Sandwich Generation Takes Care of Aging Parents

            Reader:   I dread visiting my mom in the nursing home, and yet if I don’t, I feel horrible guilt.  I’m damned by her criticism and complaints if I do visit her, and damned by my own if I don’t. 

            Dr. Schmidt:            You are indeed between a rock and a hard place here, and caught also between meeting the needs of your mom above and your children and grandchildren below.  You’re the cheese and meat in the sandwich—everybody wants to take a bite out of your calendar.  Here’s three rules of thumb to keep from being eaten up by all this.

            1.  Avoid the emotional standards and extremes of going only when you feel like it, and whenever you feel guilt.  Let your mind, conscience, and family help you set a reasonable standard, and go when it’s time.  Set an average standard for how often you visit, and how long you stay.

            2.  Balance the needs of your parent with those of your children, marriage, siblings, friends, career, and yes, yourself.  Don’t forget to take care of the caretaker.  If Mom won’t compliment or appreciate you, do it yourself.

            3.  Give priority to heart needs over ego needs.  Heart needs are things like this:  to know and be known, to give and receive love and respect (empathy, encouragement, compliments, practical help, faith that we can learn and grow).  Doing this for the joy of doing it, expecting nothing in return, the more we give like this, the more somehow we have.