2. Family Meetings

4. Family Missions and Rules

6. Family Mission Statements

8. Raising Responsible Kids

11. Being Positive with Children Who Aren’t

13. What Spoiled Kids Need

15. Power Struggles Between Parents and Children

17. Teaching Youth about Right and Wrong

21. Do’s and Don’ts for Stepparents

23. Parenting Rebellious Teens

25. Triangles Can Help or Hurt Communication

27.  Grandparents

© Dr. Paul F. Schmidt

Now and then in the life of every family, parents need to call a family meeting. Some common purposes include solving a problem, making a decision, planning family outings or activities, or understanding and getting along with a rebelling family member.

Some families hold meetings once a week, but regular meetings work better once a month or every other week to keep them special. Others are held whenever the need arises. They should last no more than an hour. Here are some guidelines I have found helpful for making family meetings run smoother and get the job done:

1. Parents facilitate the meeting, to make sure the other rules get followed and the purpose is met. They don’t hog the floor or the power, but make sure everyone gets a chance to speak briefly without being interrupted.

2. Parents call the meeting, and explain the time and agenda in advance. Because often their sense of timing is better than the parents’, a child can suggest a meeting, but it shouldn’t be called until the parents have their heads together on the agenda. The agenda should be a proposal, with a list of pros and cons for the idea, to get everyone thinking.

3. Keep things positive. Divert negative energy into time-out breaks. Encourage children to talk out resistance in advance, with one or both parents, to help the parents shape the proposal before the meeting starts. Everyone who might be defensive would have time to collect and vent their thoughts in advance. Once they’ve been heard, they will be able to listen better to others.

4. Encourage everyone to express their ideas and feelings in the family meeting, briefly, in a risk-free environment. Parents need to assure children their ideas won’t be criticized or ridiculed by anybody, especially the parents. If children don’t feel safe, they won’t express themselves, and if they haven’t had much input, they won’t be much invested in the outcome.

5. Make decisions by consensus, not majority vote. This promotes harmony, not division. Parents and older children might sum up the discussion like this: "From what I’m hearing, the plan that suits most people would be. . . ." Parents listen for consensus, and declare when it’s been reached.

6. Close the meeting on a positive note. Praise each child for the best of their contributions. Say what you’ve learned to help you understand each family member. Let others follow this lead, with all these closing comments being positive.

In my next column, I’ll talk about how useful it is for more mature families to adopt a mission statement, which can be especially helpful to start a new season or year. I’ll also give families some rules or guidelines that other families have found helpful in working to fulfill their missions.

Steven Covey’s best-selling book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People made a great case for individuals and families to draw up mission statements. He suggested the mission be timeless (ongoing), and that the statement include both the means and ends (the hows and whys) for the mission.

Different families have different top priorities. I’ve seen families that were dedicated to such goals as staying together, getting educated, making money, respecting family elders, teaching self-worth and identity, serving God, and keeping the peace.

I believe the most common mission is seldom stated or even admitted, but actions speak louder than words. The typical American family seems to me bent on this mission: "To keep the children happy, older family members will give children what they want unless it’s obviously unsafe, bad for them, or too expensive."

A better mission might be this one: "To give and receive love, respect and understanding in all our relationships and activities, we will start by doing this with each other." Whatever mission your family adopts, it can’t just be dictated by the parents. It has to come out of much discussion by the whole family, as in the kind of family meeting described in last week’s column.

Once a mission is established, families need to consider using family meetings to draw up some rules or guidelines for achieving their mission. Here are some guidelines I’ve found helpful in creating healthy, happy families:

Each of us needs privacy, and the freedom to be one’s own unique person.

Yet we do not lie to each other, or cover up what others need to know.

We may not tell the whole truth, but we’ll tell nothing but the truth.

Criticism should say "You’re a better person than that," not "You’re a bad/lazy/stupid person."

If it will help a child or spouse grow or learn, we can tell them the truth politely, even if it hurts

their feelings or wounds their ego.

Discipline teaches better when it comes with expressions of love.

Parents avoid giving to others the time, money or attention needed by their marriage or children.

Children need their parents to give as much to their marriage as to any of their children.

Parents should put their children’s needs ahead of their own until they are of age (18-25).

Children need to lose for a short, set time those privileges and activities which they abuse.

Discipline should not take away from children an activity they need for their well-being.

Discipline should not take away from children a privilege they have not abused.

Children need to be given a way to earn back lost privileges and activities.

Parents need to be a united front so children cannot play one against the other.

Parents need to avoid disrespecting or disagreeing with other authorities (teachers,

grandparents, etc.) in front of their children.

Parents should not criticize a child in front of others.

Families and individuals should remain open to guidance and support from outside sources

Though trust must be both earned and given, forgiveness can only be given, and it benefits everyone involved.

Finally, apply all guidelines in light of other guidelines, and the family mission statement.

A high percentage of animals raise up responsible offspring. Their young leave the nest and learn to successfully fend for themselves. What percentage of American parents do you think get those two jobs done?

My definition of successful children is growing up to solve their own problems emotionally and financially. They live contentedly on what they make, and they get along with those they live with. This usually requires at least one parent who has done the same, and I doubt that that any more than one fifth of American parents would qualify.

To me, the rest aren’t well motivated or equipped to raise responsible children. Nevertheless, if you have the wisdom and courage to ride out your kids’ protests in order to give them a chance at a successful life later on, here’s how.

In short, children grow up to be responsible when parents do three things: 1. Clarify which activities are privileges. 2. Encourage ways of earning the trust required for these privileges.  3. Withhold access to privileges until the trust has been earned.

To elaborate, children will expect and feel entitled to enjoy doing many things which are not necessary for their growth and well-being. Ways to earn the parent’s trust must be spelled out for the child: "you can go once you have finished doing your homework." Show that you want to give the trust, that you hate to have to restrict the child, but that worse still would be spoiling them into thinking privileges in life will come from whining, demanding and saying, "Everybody else is doing it."

1. Privileges: activities come from earning the trust that they can be enjoyed responsibly. Remember that being responsible means being content with what you’ve earned, and getting along with everyone involved. Here is a starter list for some privileges many kids mistakenly feel entitled to: having something given to or bought for them, being taken at their word, going to the mall, watching TV or movies, talking on the phone, being on line, being taken somewhere they want to go, choosing what to wear or where to eat, driving the family car, having a paying job outside the home, and spending the money they have earned and saved.

The level of trust required for an activity depends on factors such as these: where, when, with whom, for how long, at what age, in privacy vs. with supervision, and the character content of what is experienced. For example, all of these would be factors to consider for allowing a child to watch a given movie.

2. Responsibilities: let children know that behaviors like these can earn trust. Certain behaviors are avoided by children when they are being selfish and rebellious. At these times, they are showing their attitude is not appropriate for being trusted to act responsibly. Children earn trust by dong things like this. . . .

Greeting family members hello and goodbye, checking in by phone while out, coming home on time, spontaneously and honestly confessing misbehaviors, and taking responsibility for them (offering to earn back the trust that was broken). Doing things together as a family also earns trust, such as having fun, eating, working, and worshipping together in peace.

Doing chores demonstrates appreciation that if you work first and play later, both activities work out better in the long run. Specify the age-appropriate chores involved in keeping each of the following areas cleaned and picked up: kitchen (food), bedroom (clothes), family room, and the yard. What’s appropriate for a given age? Whatever shows that progress is being made on schedule with learning to do almost everything to take care of oneself by age 18 or 19.

3. Restrictions: children should lose privileges when they abuse them. Certain activities are

givens. The following should not be skipped by a child or withheld by a parent, because they are necessary for health and well-being: three nutritious meals a day, eight hours for sleep, going to school, doing one’s homework, exercise, access to worship and solitude, and time with family and friends known to be healthy and loyal to the immediate family.

Other activities are almost always beneficial, and can be considered nearly givens: time with scouts, sports, at church, and at school-sponsored extracurricular activities. These should not usually be withheld for long periods of time.

In addition to a child’s neglecting the responsibilities listed above, the following trust-busters are among behaviors that should always result in widespread and lengthy loss of privileges: lying, stealing, intentionally destroying property, chronically wasting resources, anything legally defined as physical, emotional or sexual abuse, or jeopardizing health by smoking, drugging, underage drinking, driving while intoxicated, or risking pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.

If you’re a parent still confused over why your children aren’t learning to be responsible, chances are you are providing as entitlements many privileges that they should have to earn. You’re probably buying them too much, supervising them too little, and over-exposing them to pornography and violence in music, movies, games, computers and TV. But of all the parental foolishness I see, by far the most ridiculous (and the most commonly seen in public) is indulging a child’s tantrums—it’s yielding to emotional extortion, and giving instant gratification for their children’s most selfish, impatient and rude behavior.

In closing, parents, remember: GARBAGE IN, GARBAGE OUT. They reap what you sow, and so do you. Surely you can raise your parenting skills a notch, and raise your children to be as responsible when they leave the nest as wild animals are.

Almost every child from time to time acts negative. They act like they want to ruin things for everybody—peers, adults and even themselves. At times like this, if you're the care-taking adult (parent, teacher, grandparent, babysitter, child care or day-care worker), you're going to have a hard time knowing why or how to be positive. But you need to know.

And some children seem to be negative most all the time. It seems the only way they know to ask for attention is to act up and evoke criticism or punishment. These are the children who need your positive response the most, if you know how to give it.

Since these children misbehave so often and behave well so seldom, the cycle of ignoreà criticizeà punishà ignore apparently isn't working with them, as it's producing very little positive behavior.

Why are these children so negative? Perhaps they assume that they can't behave, or that if they do, it won't be noticed or appreciated. They may feel weird and unreal if they are praised, so they need time to get used to it. They chose negative attention over none at all. Or perhaps they think misbehavior is a safer path than getting their hopes up in vain for achieving success or popularity.

Now when children misbehave, I'm certainly not against negative consequences. I'm just saying that criticism and punishment are a lot more effective when children realize that they could do better, and that you hope they will do better next time.

I really believe all children need to be appreciated when they are doing positive things, and I believe all children give moments worth celebrating if you watch for them. So I encourage you to affirm and celebrate children, especially "negative" ones, when they show their:

1. Arrival and departure—when they show up and walk into the room, or you walk into theirs, and when it's time to say goodbye, these are good times for a positive word. Use your smile like two bookends for the day.

2. Beauty, brains, charm or humor—notice positively her hair or the colors she's wearing, how handsome he is when he smiles, how quickly they learn something, or how cute or charming they are when they're not misbehaving.

3. Feelings—remember these aren't good or bad. It's how we choose to show emotions that makes our behavior a good or bad choice. When their ways of expressing their feelings are inappropriate (wouldn't work well in real-world relationships), show them better ways to express their feelings, such as putting them into words instead of body language, frowns and voice tones.

4. Social skills or leadership—when they are connecting well with the wrong people, or connecting with better people but in the wrong way, it's good to ask sometimes if they are ready to try something new, make a new friend, join a new group, take a risk, or help out someone less fortunate than they are.

5. Determination—when they refuse to change their behavior despite ramped-up consequences, you can use reverse psychology by acknowledging their strong-willed choice to learn the hard way by suffering and frustration over a longer period as showing toughness, instead of learning the easier way now for popularity and privileges.

6. Independence—when they play alone, or alienate others, you can say that you see they're choosing to go it alone no matter how lonely it gets. You doubt they're as big a misfit as they think, but they may not be ready to find out yet.

In general, it helps to ask how they like to hear you say their name, giving them a choice of different pronunciations and inflections. Use their name the way they like to hear it when they're going good, or no harm, saving the other ways for times of criticism and punishment.

And every child needs a little physical acknowledgment, a brief gentle touch on the shoulder or back when you pass by and they're not acting up, best done so that other children won't notice it.

I started this by saying that virtually all children need some positive acknowledgment. The thing is, we care-taking adults need it too. So that's the last reason to be positive whenever you can afford to be, even with negative children, because we reap what we sow.

If you’ve ever wondered why so many people spoil their children, it’s simple. They get two big pay-offs. First, the obvious: it’s easier just to get through the moment by indulging children’s demands, rather than stopping to teach them a lesson. And the more subtle reason is that by living for and through the child, they can avoid all their own feelings, issues and responsibilities. It’s like a drug—a pain-killing escape from reality.

The reasons not to spoil a child are that you do get to live your own life. They won’t wear you out, embarrass you, or empty your wallet. And when they get older, they won’t be as quick to turn their backs on you like they have no idea who you are.

It is very satisfying to raise children who have the basic self-confidence to believe that their needs will be met, not necessarily on demand, but always on time, not necessarily by others, but because they’re also learning how to get things done themselves.

Raising unspoiled children requires that you don’t meet their wants or especially their demands when these differ from what you know deep inside that they need. Making them wait fairly often for what they want teaches them patience, and allows them to use their imagination and self-care skills to see how they can more independently meet their own needs.

As they see you sometimes taking care of your own needs ahead of their demands, you are modeling for them how effective caretakers must take care of themselves too.

So how can you tell yourself and your children the difference between what they need and what they demand? They often want or even whine for things they don’t really need, because they don’t know what they need. They need you to teach them what they need, such as:

PATIENCE: They need to know their needs will be met eventually if they wait and ask politely. The demand of the spoiled: I will get others to meet my needs.

LOVE: They need to know that they are loved, that they can give love and receive love. The demand of the spoiled: I will charm others into showing love to me.

SELF-RELIANCE: They need to know they can comfort or entertain themselves when they are lonely, sad or bored. The demand of the spoiled: I can always find ways to avoid being left alone.

PRODUCTIVITY: They need to learn to enjoy hard work, finishing a task, and doing it well. The demand of the spoiled: I am charming and clever enough to get others to do my work for me.

FORGIVENESS: They need to express anger at selfish mistakes, forgiving themselves and others for such mistakes without holding a grudge. The demand of the spoiled: If you don’t do things my way, my temper will make you wish you had.

COURAGE: They need to trust themselves not to freeze when they’re afraid, but to act smart. The demand of the spoiled: I will dramatize my fear until you have done whatever it takes to relieve me of it.

COURTESY: They need to give a brief smile or hello with eye contact when they first see a friend or family member. The demand of the spoiled: I am special, so I don’t look at or speak to people until they have broken the ice first.

WISDOM: They need to trust that they will be praised and rewarded eventually for doing good, criticized and punished eventually for doing bad. The demand of the spoiled: I am praised because I am specially gifted. I will make anyone feel guilty for criticizing or punishing me.

HONESTY: They need to avoid lying, realizing they don’t always need to tell the entire truth. The demand of the spoiled: I give whatever version of the truth it pays me to give, but I’ll never admit that.

HUMILITY: They need to apologize and discipline themselves when they’ve messed up. The demand of the spoiled: If I’m in trouble, I will never apologize. My family and friends will bail me out, because if I ain’t happy, ain’t nobody going to be happy.

FRIENDSHIP: They need to know they can make friends easily, because they enjoy being a good, loyal friend. The demand of the spoiled: I’ll treat you like a friend when I feel like it, depending upon what you’ve done for me lately.

IDENTITY: They need to know that they are being prepared to leave home someday and live their own lives. The demand of the spoiled: I will leave home (and come back) whenever I feel like it, for a bigger stage and a better audience.

When you’re tempted to indulge your children, just remember, you’re not giving in to them, you’re selling them out, down the river to a sick society. You’re spoiling their lives, and not just theirs, but yours, and everybody else’s they’ll spoil. So Buck Up, Campers. Let’s put our grown-up pants on.

All parents from time to time find themselves locked into an ongoing power struggle with a child. The parent’s natural instinct response to a child’s misbehavior is met with more and more of that behavior. My suggestions here will require parents to go against their instincts.

Many of the ideas below can be found in two excellent programs for parents. One is Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP), at www.lifematters.com. The other is Parent Effectiveness Training, begun nearly 40 years ago by then Western Kentucky University professor and later Nobel Peace Prize nominee Thomas Gordon (see www.gordontraining.com).

1. Figure out what the child is trying to do. It may take asking, or else trial-and-error learning to determine which games the child might be playing. They play games like Do my work, Show me you care, Take my tension, Pay attention to me, Feel my pain, and You can’t make me.

2. Figure out what you can’t stand, and learn to stand it. Perhaps you can’t tolerate the feeling that you’re not in control, that you’re a failure as a parent, that your child doesn’t love or like you, that you’re acting like your own parent did, or that there’s screaming or danger of violence in the house. Whatever you can’t stand, the child knows it, and will give you that feeling to get you to cave into the child’s demands in return for the child’s stopping the behavior you can’t stand.

3. Redefine your terms. Take the focus off what you can’t change (the child) and onto what you can (yourself). Refocus on being in control of yourself, not failing to change your ways, loving yourself, etc.

4. Learn to time yourself out, and soothe yourself. Take deep breaths, pray, call a friend. If appropriate, wait for the child to re-engage you. Be sure you’ve calmed yourself down before responding.

5. Avoid rewarding children for passivity, dishonesty, disrespect, or dangerous behavior. Don’t cave to their demands when they’re misbehaving.

6. Give them natural consequences for misbehavior. If their selfish demands would provoke rejection outside the home, give it them. "People won’t trust (like, include, admire, cooperate with, want to be around) you when you act that way with them, and neither do I." Parents must teach and act out how misbehavior will be responded to in the real world of school, job, love, marriage, friendships, or college roommates. So the consequences are things like loss of privilege, loss of help, end of dialog, time out, or withdrawal of attention.

7. Offer to let children win their game if they let you win yours too. Give them attention help, sympathy and trust if they give you respect, honesty, self-control and cooperation. If they refuse, just tell them you guess they don’t want what they were demanding as bad as they said they did. Tell them their actions speak louder than their words. Tell them you’ll follow their lead. You’ll cooperate when they cooperate.

8. Realize the wisdom in these proverbs I’ve heard: "You can’t change anyone but yourself." "You aren’t giving up control, just the illusion of control." "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." "Children respond better to encouragement than criticism." "You choose the lessons you teach, and let the child choose how and when to learn them."

Just remember, in a power struggle, parents who get upset enough to cave in are not saying to the child, "You win" or "I love you", but "You don’t have to change, I will. This isn’t your problem, it’s mine."

If you’re like most American adults, you are concerned that some of the youth in your family are going to mess up their lives by bad habits and choices on some moral issue.

The ones I hear about the most are sex, money, family, religion, and drug or alcohol abuse. All too often, efforts to talk with younger people about such matters end in greater frustration for both parties, and a wider-than-ever gap between the generations on where they stand.

To prevent such frustrations, here are ten options for you in choosing how to talk about a moral issue with a younger person. The point is, if one method isn’t working, try another. You can use:

Punishment or Reward (pain or pleasure). You can emphasize positive or negative

consequences of a young person’s choices.

2. Promotional or Emotional Consequences. Bribes (food, money, favors) and extortions (threats of spanking and other punishments) are special promotions that work with younger people. Later on, you can focus on emotional consequences to self and others: "Dad will be proud of you", and "You’ll be glad you did it."

3. Considering self or Others. To young children, only oneself much, but as they grow up, they become more interested in other people. You can’t teach them to care about others until they are ready, so if they’re selfish, make it worth their while to behave.

4. Protecting the child or also the Child’s relationships. Young children don’t care much about getting along with others, but later they begin to care how their moral choices affect those relationships. Your discipline can be designed to restore broken trust with their friends and family.

5. Discipline or Self-discipline. Children understand that adults reward and punish, but as they mature, it’s more affective to ask first, "To teach you not to do that again, what do you think would be the right punishment?"

6. Prophecy or Parable. To teach what consequences would come from continuing to make immoral choices, you can just tell them what will happen ("No one will want to be your friend."), or you can tell them a story to make the nitty-gritty details of the consequences sink in.

7. Lecture or Modeling. The two most popular parental discipline methods are just saying "No." and "Because I said so." When they stop working, parents go to lecturing, and tragically over the years, the less they are listened to, the longer these lectures become. Modeling good behavior is both the most effective approach, and the most difficult, but it helps with all ages.

Now I’m not going to tell you where to draw all the lines about what you should allow, for that is a very personal matter. But I will give you three key principles for predicting which methods will work best.

1. Speak to their maturity level. In the choices listed above, the more basic way to approach issues with immature youth is given first. When one method isn’t working, try one for a different maturity level.

2. Speak to the concerns of their heart. This will require you to listen to them first, to understand what they care about the most. This way you won’t sound preachy, but just giving them new and better ways to get what they want.

3. They should get the credit or blame for their good or bad choices, not you. Your job is to choose the right lessons to teach, the right ways to teach them, and to make sure you practice what you preach. When, how and whether they learn is always up to them.

In my next column I will give you three more ways to talk with your loved ones about moral issues. These three are my favorites, and they deserve to be discussed in some detail, because unless you were lucky enough to have parents who used these with you, you probably wouldn’t think to use them with your own children.

Dr. Schmidt is a licensed psychologist with offices in Middletown and Shelbyville, www.mynewlife.com.

TEACHING YOUTH ABOUT RIGHT AND WRONG (Part Two)

 

Last time I gave seven ways to challenge young people in your family to think along moral

lines when planning their lives. To review, there are good times to use either: Punishment or Reward (pain or pleasure), Promotional or Emotional Consequences, Prophecy or Parable, Lecture or Modeling, Teaching consideration of self or Others, Protecting the child or also the Child’s relationships, and Teaching discipline or Self-discipline. (If you missed this, email me at drpaulschmidt@earthlink.net and I’ll be glad to send it to you.)

Now if these methods of teaching right and wrong aren’t working for you, I suggest you try the three more advanced methods given below, where you will learn how to use either:

8. Quarantine or Inoculation. As children get more private and privileged, and as they are usually better with technology than their elders, keeping them away from contact with the moral viruses of our sick society becomes impossible. Like allergy shots, inoculation allows progressively more exposure to temptation with increasing evidence that young people have learned to use for themselves the various moral anti-virus treatments being described in this article.

So you can say, "Before we decide whether to let you go, who with, who pays, how long you can stay, and who to come home with, tell us all the kinds of trouble you have thought you could possibly run into, and how you would handle it. The more specific you can be, the more you are showing us you can think like an adult, and the more we will trust you. Do you need some time to think more about this, or do you want us to decide based on the thinking you’re ready to do right now?"

9. Invoking appropriate authority. The family authority ("We’re so hurt and worried about you") gets supplemented as children mature into understanding financial authority ("We can’t afford it. Can you pay for it?"), legal authority ("You will get expelled or arrested if you get caught."), social authority (the jury of their peers), moral authority (their conscience, the golden rule), and spiritual authority (how it changes their hearts, minds, priorities, their prospects for prayer and an afterlife). If a child is discounting or rebelling against one of these authorities, try appealing to another one.

10. Telling the truth or Asking questions to draw it out. The usual way of telling truth is to judge what the mistake was, the motive, the alternatives, and the punishment. Children of all ages hate the judge-and-jury sentencing.

Especially if the mistake has been made at other times before, and assuming some misdeed has occurred that affected other people, here are some good questions to ask:

Blame: How much of the responsibility or blame do you give yourself for your behavior?

Motive: Besides the temptations from the situation and other people, what were you wanting to get out of this?

Consequences: List all the good and bad things that resulted from your choice, in yourself and in others. Even if you hadn’t gotten caught, what harm would you have caused?

Alternatives: What else could you have done that would’ve worked out better for you and everybody else?

Confirmation: We all give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. So before hearing what I think about all this, and to prevent having to hear it from me, have you thought about running these previous questions by somebody else, so you can beat me to the punch? Would you like to take a break to do that and then continue the rest of the questions afterwards?

Blame again: Now, how much of the blame do you give yourself for your behavior?

Forgiveness: Do you need to ask anyone’s forgiveness here? And who besides yourself do you need to forgive so you don’t have to carry around a load of shame and resentment that would motivate the next screw-up?

Amends: What do you think would be fair to do to give back to yourself and others what your actions have taken away? Think about money, health, self-esteem, self-confidence, reputation, their trust and respect for you: what could you do that would restore all that you have taken away?

Finally, no matter which approach you use, be sure to keep your tone measured, with concern but with matter-of-fact firmness. Don’t let them see you sweat, or show any signs of breaking your resolve. Let that be behind their backs when you do your venting with an adult partner to help you teach what’s best. That way most of the anxiety stays with our young people, motivating them to think things through.

Dr. Schmidt is a licensed psychologist with offices in Middletown and Shelbyville, www.mynewlife.com.

Until five years ago, I never thought I’d ever create a stepfamily, but now I have. Turns out, I’m just going with the national flow. Even the staunchest defender of the traditional nuclear family, Focus on the Family, states that within two years, there will be more blended families in the US than any other form of family.

I have learned some things from reading and from doing (both right and wrong). Here are some things that help in step-parenting, my list of DO’S:

Take an interest in your stepchildren’s lives (friends, music, sports),

be there for them, steady and supportive,

make yourself available from a slight distance, not pushing yourself on them,

be understanding and non-judgmental toward them, and

be patient, allowing them time to sort problems out.

And the list of behaviors to avoid is just as important, the DON’TS:

Don’t try to replace or compare yourself in any way to their other parent.

Don’t shower them with too much praise or affection at first.

Don’t demand a lot of attention, and

Don’t do anything that makes you need or expect appreciation or response.

When you are talked to in a mildly disrespectful way, ignore it and just discontinue the

conversation. Whenever a stepchild addresses you in a very disrespectful way by attacking your character, say calmly that you love them, but you also love yourself and you will not participate in conversations like this. Withdraw immediately, remaining quiet and peaceful, and let your spouse know about it when you get together.

A good parent and spouse will broker the relationship, getting both of you present and asking both what was said, and where the stories of what happened are different, calling no one a liar. Your spouse needs to invite and encourage both the child and you the stepparent to rephrase statements so both can show respect for each other.

In relating to stepchildren, it is helpful to avoid some common assumptions that turn out to be MYTHS:

1. The more love (attention, approval, affirmation, acceptance, affection, assistance, allowances) I give them, the more they will give to me. Depends on the child—some absolutely yes, some absolutely not, and some absolutely unpredictable. Don’t take it personally, or it will be worse. That’s just how they are. Like an elementary school teacher starting up a class in August or September, it’s better to start out more reserved and matter-of-fact. Let them see that your greater warmth will come out in response to theirs, and to the respect they show you with their loyalty and obedience.

2. Now that we are married, stepchildren won’t mind seeing affection between us. The marital affection you receive in front of them needs to be reserved, and the affection you give needs to be VERY limited. It takes a long time, if ever, before they will be comfortable seeing or hearing about the affection you naturally show each other.

3. Eventually they will get over their jealousy of me. It will take more time (years) and effort (from both of you) for them to let you into their hearts, especially if (a) the divorce wasn’t fairly and adequately explained to them, (b) your remarriage was fairly quick, (c) you are suspected of dating each other or being friends before or during the divorce process, (d) the other parent isn’t yet remarried and happily so, and (e) your spouse isn’t very loyal or assertive in power struggles between you and others for their support.

4. It will be easier for the older children to accept me because they will be able to understand.

Actually teenagers are often the hardest to reach and to know. Probing questions may be taken personally, and so they would come best when you and your spouse are both present, and agree for one of you to say, "We were wondering. . ."

In our own blended family, I have approached building relationships with my stepchildren as a

life-long adventure. Without extending myself any less than before to my own children, I offer as much of myself personally to my new (step) children, though they don’t usually need or take as much. Treating them as a wonderful add-on feature of my life, just as important as my own children, when on occasion I find them treating each other the same way, I am pleased and amazed.

Sixteen-year-olds look completely different from the way they looked at twelve. Even more striking is the difference in their personalities. Parental influence has declined by roughly half, due to more influences from peers, media, hormones, boyfriend/girlfriend, and the huge internal need to feel grown-up by acting different from you.

Yet parents do not adjust their expectations so much. They still expect similar compliance with similar rules compared to what worked at age 12. And these parents who expect obedience are very frustrated with their 16-year-olds, which only adds to the teens’ motivation to rebel.

So with rebellious teens, there’s a power struggle—both of you want to lead. So let them win these battles, and you win the war. You win the war by choosing the lessons to teach (honesty, courtesy, health, safety, responsibility, respect for authority, impulse control, emotional health, studying in school, etc.).

They win the battles by choosing how they learn. You choose the intended destination, and they choose which road they take to get there. Be sure your language reflects that you are following their lead, giving them exactly what their behavior has asked for.

They can learn the easy way or the hard way, now or later, from reward or punishment, from their successes or their failures, from others’ experiences or just from their own, they choose. They know how they can learn best—honestly, they do.

Try this: "If you’re ready to (go out with [person], go to [event], stay out until [time], talk on the phone with [person],etc.), you’ll show me ahead of time by the way you (communicate with me, make your curfews this week, let me get to know [person], check in with me by phone this week, etc.).

When a privilege isn’t earned, and you need to say no, don’t say, "I told you" or "I warned you", but merely "If it meant that much to you, you would have showed me you were ready." And here’s the key—believe it.

Otherwise they’ll see the worry and guilt on your face, and keep turning up the protest volume until you crack. As they wail, you calmly say, "I know you’re mad at yourself. I would be too. That’s what you learn from. Your actions this week speak louder than your words right now."

In this approach, last minute requests are a problem. In general they should be handled on how the teen’s recent behavior has showed his or her trustworthiness on the issues involved, not on the intensity of their demands, or if they could have foreseen it, on the urgency of the situation.

When they’re angry and you’re calm, the stress is where it belongs, motivating your child’s behavior change. Your job is not to calm them down, or to be liked, just to earn their respect and your own, and to give them the motivation they have chosen to pursue the goal you have chosen.

Dr. Paul Schmidt is a licensed psychologist with offices in Shelbyville and Middletown, 633-2860 and 244-4407.

TRIANGLES CAN HELP OR HURT COMMUNICATION

Sometimes when we want to talk with someone, we assume they wouldn’t understand, or worse still, wouldn’t listen. Maybe they’d even fire back some criticism at the messenger so they didn’t have to deal with the message. So we send our message through a third party.

This is called a ricochet message, or a bank shot, but these terms imply it just happens once. Usually messages keep coming this way, and so it’s more accurate to call this form of communication a triangle. It creates talks about third persons who aren’t there.

This form of communication isn’t very effective-- problems hardly ever get solved this way. Actually they get enlarged, because triangles are always an insult to the person being talked about.

Not all triangles are unhealthy. When you find you can’t talk with someone directly, arrange to have a third person mediate a new 3-way meeting. Ask him or her to uphold not one or the other of you, but your relationship, and the open and kind communication it needs.

One of the best descriptions of this mentally healthy triangle is Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 18: 15-17. Businesses would do will to put this procedure into their policy manuals. It would cut way back on gossip, backstabbing, the fear of same, and so it’s great for team spirit and morale.

Most triangles are harmful, behind-the-back. One especially tricky triangle involves a victim, a villain (victimizer), and a rescuer. Psychiatrist Stephen Karpman has taught that when this situation doesn’t get resolved, and a person keeps being drawn into these roles, it feels a lot like the Bermuda Triangle. This is variously called trauma repetition, repetition compulsion, or trauma bonding, but policemen and counselors call it a Karpman triangle.

When someone gets traumatized and tries not to think about it, research shows that the trauma victim will keep feeling victimized by other things, and keep calling in others for rescue and to punish those perceived as abusers. Sadly, the drama doesn’t end—it keeps repeating itself.

And the roles keep changing: once you enter it as a rescuer, you often become a villain to one or both of the others, and the original villain often feels like a victim. You then feel like a victim, and may look to one of the others to bail you out, thus launching another round of Karpman Hades.

All the characters are drawn into the triangle by identifying with the victim in another, and before it’s over, you will all feel victimized. The only way for you to get out of a Karpman triangle is to detach from the game without emotion, realizing you’re neither victim, victimizer, nor rescuer.

Blame no one including yourself, and accept that both of the other two may continue to see you as a victimizer/villain. Realize they need to bond with that victim role more than they need to bond with you, mental health, or reality. You can only pray they will someday work through it.

Research shows that there is a much higher incidence of Karpman triangles in the lives of not only trauma victims with repressed memories, but also alcoholics, drug addicts, and behavior addicts like sex and gambling addicts, bulimics, etc. Why? Subconsciously, if something once upon a time came into them to hurt them, they keep looking for something else to come in and take the hurt away—a pill, a bottle, a Twinkie, a lottery ticket, or yes, a villain and a rescuer.

None of course will give more than temporary relief. The game must repeat itself, until the trauma is uncovered and healed in therapy, and the grip of the addictions are broken.