Reluctant to Punish your Children?

Reader:  Please tell young parents not to spoil their children. . . .  Too few will correct or punish them, at least in public.  Isn’t this hurting the children? . . .  How will they be prepared for school or work, or even to make friends for that matter?  Who will teach them it’s not “all about me”?

Dr. Schmidt:  We need to be understanding of young parents, and sometimes older parents and grandparents too.  Some of them weren’t disciplined as children.  They have no first-hand role models, no good memories of discipline.  They equated discipline with selfish anger and permissive neglect with love and encouragement. 

            Some of them have never been loved in their life as much as they are now by their children.  They are afraid of losing that love, so by indulging their children, they are delaying (and provoking and intensifying) what they don’t realize is inevitable, the loss of that child’s adoring love.

            Some don’t know the difference between children’s needs and children’s wants.  Indeed every child needs to learn self-control, to think of others, to delay gratification, to show respect for authority.  But parents can’t teach what they haven’t learned.

            Many parents think their children will learn these things later on—no rush.  Parents don’t realize that if they don’t teach a child not to pitch a fit in a checkout lane when the child is two, the longer they wait, the harder it will be.  Likewise, to say “I’m wrong, I’m sorry” is easiest to teach at age three or four.  To wait longer handicaps your child.

            So besides understanding parents, we really need to understand children.  Parents have the obligation and ability to meet the children’s needs (and by the way, not vice-versa).  Society and common sense requires parents to teach courtesy, patience, and unselfishness to children, the only way they can learn it, through example, encouragement, and yes, punishment.  Parents who lack discipline for children are lacking love and respect for them as well.

Spanking

            You wish you would never need to spank, but it’s not so important whether you spank as how you do it.  Some parents just won’t spank, but for those who do, here’s how to do it in a healthy way, so it helps to soften a child’s heart.

            Don’t do it in anger.  Count to ten, go into the other room, pray, consult the other parent, and do it when your motives are wisdom, hope and kindness.

            Make sure the charge is clearly known first.  Tell the child what rule has been broken, and make sure the child can say what they’ve done and why it’s wrong. 

            Don’t spank for a minor violation.  Save it for big things like lying, big safety violations, intentionally hurting another child, unrepentant insults to authority, and refusal to submit to lesser punishment, like time-out.

            Use the bare hand on the unbare bottom.  This makes sure that you bond together in the pain, and that the pain isn’t too intense or physically damaging.

            Spank rarely if at all after first grade.  The child is old enough to reason now, and help plan his or her own discipline.  Losing privileges that have been abused is more effective than spanking, and self-discipline beats external punishment for the school-aged child.