2nd Full Disclosure (Step 9 Amends) Christian Sex Addicts and their Spouses: Giving and Receiving Disclosure in Grace and Truth Grace and truth are both contagious, and they need each other. Our communications in marriage should show (and thus inspire) love, respect, and understanding toward BOTH spouse and self: love your neighbor as yourself. Disclosing sexual betrayal and sin goes better when both spouses first read this article, and …Read More
My Approach to Sex Addiction and Infidelity
From my training, I have designed three levels of outpatient treatment programs for my clients to choose from, each customized with its own requirements for reading, writing, prayer and meditation, homework exercises, family/spouse involvement, accountability, meetings, and counseling. These programs have increasing levels of commitment/investment of time and money, and carry different prognoses for success. (The last one gives the equivalent of an intensive outpatient treatment program that would otherwise cost much more, and would meet five evenings a week for 3-4 hours per night over three to four months.) I teach the techniques research has proven to be most effective at preventing both relapse and the onset of new addictive behaviors. Each program progresses through four stages, the order proven by research to have the greatest success:
1. Stabilizing crisis with first disclosure and setting boundaries for communication
2. Joining a recovering community and establishing sobriety
3. Creating a healthy, balanced heart and lifestyle
4. Restoring broken family relationships
I teach my clients why and how to perform the thirty tasks that research has shown to produce recovery that sober, serene, and lasting. These tasks are consistent with and yet go well beyond the traditional twelve steps of recovery. It is harder to do them out of sequence, and they MUST be done under the guidance of a sponsor who has completed them, or a trained recovering counselor. (Basically they must be done with someone who has done them with someone who has done them . . .) With me, spouses can be authorized to have input to this treatment process, and to have output from it as well.
The Lexington Herald-Leader published one of my articles on sexual addiction, explaining among other things how it is fueled by shame. You may read the article here. Forward Movement Publications in Cincinnati published a pamphlet I was asked to write explaining sexual addiction to the average Christian reader. You may read it here.
In 2005, I completed two weeks of training in Arizona conducted in person by Dr. Patrick Carnes through the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) . The 45 in my class were fortunate to be the last group of trainees to be instructed from start to finish solely by Dr. Carnes in person. The author of some dozen books in this field, he is universally acknowledged as the founder of the sexual addiction movement, and as its chief expert therapist, researcher, and trainer. I completed my 30 required hours of post-training supervision, from Judith Matheny, LCSW, LMFT, CSAT, also trained by Dr. Carnes. In 2006, I became only the third CSAT in KY, and the first male. In 2016, I was trained again at IITAP, and became a CMAT (Certified Multiple Addictions Therapist) and a CSAT-S (a certified supervisor of other CSAT’s).
Sex Addiction Assessment Marie Wilson, MA and Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., CAS The following are some of the extreme examples we see today that exemplify the insanity of sexual addiction: A woman uses a vibrator so intensely she burns herself and has to go to the emergency room. A priest has a thousand-dollar-a-week prostitution habit. His only way to support the habit is to steal from the parish he …Read More
How Relevant are Traditional Values in our Pornified Culture? by Dr. Paul F. Schmidt Sexual energy, beautiful bodies, romantic love, and close relationships — as much as they are idolized in our culture, there is nothing inherently good or bad about them. They are all morally neutral resources, because they can be used for good or bad purposes. Whether or not we have them isn’t nearly as important as …Read More
SUBLIMATION Sublimate your Sex Drive, Don’t Suffocate It One of the few times Freud was in agreement with Victorian culture was when he taught the usefulness of sublimating the sex drive before marriage. (His biographies all suggest he had to work hard at practicing what he preached on this score.) The word sublimate comes from the same root words as sublime. It suggests lifting something up over the threshold so …Read More
Forward Movement Publications in Cincinnati published a pamphlet I was asked to write explaining sexual addiction to the average Christian reader. You may find the contents of the pamphlet below: Sex: When is it an Addiction? By Dr. Paul Schmidt Of all the experiences we 21st century Americans crave, of all the images we see that motivate us to buy, the biggest idol we worship today is romantic intimacy. We long for a …Read More
The most important things to understand about the outlines below are: The phases need to be experienced in order, as each requires things learned in earlier stages. None of these phases can be completed without ongoing guidance and support from others. The marriage cannot recover unless both parties and the marriage itself go through each of these phases. PHASES OF A SEX ADDICT’S RECOVERY # Phase of Journey Primary Need …Read More
DSB’s: Dysfunctional Sexual Behaviors may include: masturbation, pornography, flirting, eyeballing, massage, cheating, chatting, phone sex, role exploitation, buying, selling and trading sex, pain exchange, 800 #s, anonymous (bathroom/park) sex, fetishes, voyeurism, exposing yourself, webcam exposures, and varieties of shutting down: impotence, anorexia, avoidance of marital love & sex. Ten Addictive Signs: impulse control, broken plans, can’t quit, preoccupation (obsession), loss of needed time/money, irresponsibility, social fallout, social dropout, behavioral escalation (tolerance), withdrawal symptoms (mood changes). 3 …Read More
(Each paragraph can be a private devotional, or a class for group discussion.) The Bible gives in rich detail how life unfolds for people who fall into sexual sin. It was pure visual seduction for David when he laid eyes on his neighbor’s wife Bathsheba (2Sam 11). His heart followed his eyes in violating the 10th commandment, and in short order that act stimulated violations of the 9th (lying), 8th …Read More
There’s nothing soft about the damage “soft pornography” does to those not aware of its dangers. And few people are. If you use pornography or know somebody who does, here are fifteen common lies whispered to us by the purveyors of sex trash in magazines, movies, and websites. I can control myself. I will be able to keep my porn use from growing. Reality: What satisfies now won’t satisfy later. Porn demands increasingly degrading stimulation. …Read More
31 Insights and Solutions for Wives of Sex Addicts Since all of the sex addicts I work with are heterosexual males, and virtually all are married, I will be addressing these remarks to their “wives”. The same dynamic would usually apply to other forms of romantic partnership. Many though not all of the items below will also apply if the spouse is chronically unfaithful, but has not declared himself …Read More