Columns

People are living longer, and pensions are living shorter. Social security is losing its security. Employer and employee loyalty is a sadly passing trait. For all these reasons, retirement for most people now is less of an outcome and more of a process. Here are some actions and principles to shed some light on a big issue for the dimming years.

1. Take successfully retired people out for coffee to ask how they are making the transition. Make sure some of these have retired from settings like where you work, so you can realize it can happen here.

2. Be young at heart. Be optimistic and open-minded, laughing often at yourself. A younger spirit is beautifully accented and accentuated by an older body, and it’s a huge inspiration to younger folks.

3. Be needed, not needy. Give away faith, hope, love, joy, peace, patience, courage, wisdom, and a sense of humor. Believe the truth: the more you give of these spiritual resources, the more you have.

4. Broaden the borders around your territory of concern. Do volunteer work. Read up on things you don‘t understand. Take an interest in people you don’t know very well yet. Start a new hobby, or join a new study or interest group. If nothing else, get someone to teach you how to use the internet, or use it better.

5. Dust off one or two of the dreams you gave up on because you didn’t have time, or couldn’t figure out a way to do it, or somebody to do it with. Plan a new version of the old dream. Remember that looking forward to this and taking the steps of preparation are every bit as valuable as actually fulfilling the dream.

6. Make all the changes you can at your current job, planting seeds all the while for leaving it. We’ll discuss what kind of changes to make in next week’s column. Today’s ideas are all done while you’re still working hard (and also in retirement). They are primarily steps of preparation. Next week we’ll get to the execution.

(Warning: the plans and principles of this column can’t be fully understood or applied without first being in compliance with last week’s column.)

Passivity is over-rated. Work, rest, and play make beautiful harmony as a musical trio. But take any one out of the mix, and the other two come off awfully flat. Rest and play are hard to do well without the punctuation of work. So . . . .

1. Retire from work gradually. This works best by taking gradually more time off work, starting more and more retirement activities, relationships and interests. Start using up any saved up vacation days to start retirement activities now. Consider asking for a medical leave if you’re eligible, or if you aren’t, a leave without pay. Taking three to nine months off can do wonders for your outlook.

2. Move to different kinds of work: part-time vs. full-time, relaxing vs. stressful, creative vs. productive, personally rewarding vs. financially rewarding, self-employed vs. payrolled, flexible hours vs. set hours, home office or short commute vs. long commute, multiple little jobs vs. one big one, involving your family vs. leaving your family, interesting to you vs. impressive to others, around people you enjoy vs. people you tolerate, observable results vs. no closure on tasks, jeans vs. dress code, etc.

3. Think and dream long-term. Choose something you can do even if you’re somewhat disabled, where your age and physical limitations don’t work against you very much.

4. Make your age work for you. For example, find ways to work primarily for and with people within twenty years of your age. Work in a family-friendly environment.

5. Think of your home as a place to entertain friends and family. Don’t think of it as your comfort zone, but your base of operations, with a growing territory of influence. Don’t worry so much about your things being messed up as being wasted.

Coming out of full-time work should be every bit as exciting and adventurous as coming out of high school or college. If you follow these principles, I guarantee you it will be.

Reader: Our dear friend is having trouble adjusting to “the empty nest”. We’re calling it a “post-parting depression.” We can’t get her interested in doing things out in the community now. How can we help her?

Dr. Schmidt: This is a very tough adjustment for women who have lived for and through their children for 20-25 years, deliberately avoiding awareness of what they want or need.

Staying within this frame of mind, you can show her that her children still need her, but for something else now. They need her to set an example for how to leave home and make their way out in the world. Showing them she doesn’t need to live for and through them anymore sets them free to give more of themselves to their friends, lovers, families, careers, in short, to their futures.

You and her family can do now for her what she has probably done before for her children:

1. In new groups she could join, make sure your friends give her a warm welcome in advance.

2. Invite her out for walks and outings. Be there to talk and listen when she needs you.

3. Praise her talents and abilities. Encourage her every effort with pats on the back.

4. Tell her that she’s needed for a party being given, or maybe also her house and hostess skills.

5. Find out where else she is needed, and make her feel guilty until she goes and helps out.

6. Check up on her and make sure she’s not isolating or feeling sorry for herself.

If these things don’t work, tell her the cold hard facts that her health, her marriage, and her children’s futures are all being pulled down by her bad choices. If she’s willing but not able to change, badger her until she gets some counseling, or some anti-depressant medication, or better still, both.

If she’s not willing, don’t take any more of the responsibility for getting her out, and don’t reward her passivity anymore with your attentions. Go on and have your fun, and let her know once and for all that there will always be a place for her in your life, outside her home.

4 FAMILY TIES: WHAT DO YOURS LOOK LIKE?

If you’re having trouble making peace with a family member these days, perhaps this is a time when the relationship needs to change, from one type to another. In the course of a lifetime, some of your relationships will evolve through all five of the basic ways of relating comfortably with family. There are mental health principles and even Bible passages to support all five.

The first one we learn is the authoritarian family. What the top dog says goes. The top dog usually has the financial power, and makes all decisions about what’s good for the family. A very harmful distortion of this model is the tyrannical family, when a spoiled child runs the show.

The second model is a variation of the first, where the authoritarian family becomes a benevolent dictatorship. As children become older, an effort is made not to alienate the dependents. Their needs and requests count now, but it’s still the authority figure’s views that count.

This naturally evolves into democratic consensus. Everyone’s needs and opinions count, and decisions are made by people yielding to what’s good for the family, to whose needs are strongest right now, etc. This is a good model for using with teenagers before they head out to begin life soon on their own, because the dialog teaches them a lot about what everybody needs.

When any of these models breaks down, if there’s not smooth transition to the next one, the most unhappy and discounted member can back off from contact. The relationship becomes the detached family. That person will put up a wall and refuse communication until their needs are met.

Finally things go into the reconciled family. This can look like any of the first three, or some brand new arrangement, a new power structure. Don’t despair—nothing is forever. Families are resilient. Trust them to evolve into different deals to handle the situations and personalities at hand.

The Bible has a lot of different things to say about family relationships. One model doesn't fit all families. Here are the models as I see them, and then I'll say how in many cases I feel they are to be applied.

1. The traditional family: closely knit, power from the top, bound together by fear and tradition; the Old Covenant

Ex. 20:12 Honor your father and mother. Parents had life and death powers over children, chose their marriage partners (Ex. 21: 15, 17)

1 Tim. 5: 4,8 Anyone who doesn't provide for parents, grandparents, and especially wife and children is "worse than an unbeliever."

2. The egalitarian family: power and honor are shared; the bond is one of love and mutual respect; the New Covenant

Eph 5: 22-6:9 Like husbands and vives, submit yourselves to each other. Children obey and honor, but fathers are called not to exasperate.

Col 3: 20-21 Children are to obey; fathers don't embitter or discourage.

3. The detached family: blood ties have become corrupted; believer must change bonds; the Broken Covenant

Lk 12: 51-53 Jesus came to bring a sword, to divide families in half to purify them (like pruning)

Lk 14: 26-27 To follow Jesus, we have to be willing to hate (be coldly detached from) mom, dad, wife, kids, sibling, self

4. The reconciled family: repentance and restoration; bonds of love and trust; the Born-again Covenant

Gen 37-47 (Joseph with siblings); Hosea 1-3 (Hosea with wife Gomer); Lk 15: 11-32 (prodigal son)

Moses, David, and Paul had murdered; Peter had messed up repeatedly before being left in charge of the new church

2 Cor 2: 5-8; 7: 8-12 True brokenness of spirit (Psalm 51) brings godly repentance and restoration

Use A until children have learned to obey (or graduated), or have become entrenched in defiance (dropped out, etc.); then use B.

Use B until adult member abandons and attacks the faith; then use C.

Use C until that person has shown godly sorrow and acts of amends to express repentance. In cases of past abuse, this may include active membership in a Christian fellowship whose trustworthy pastor/sponsor bears witness to a fully turned around personality and lifestyle, and/or a Christian counselor who has been consulted and says the same.

A scripture that pulls together all three models gives helpful advice in all family situations: Romans 12: 9-21.

Last week Oprah did something rare for a superstar. She apologized to her fans, and made no excuses for her mistake. She had carelessly graced her Oprah-magic-Midas touch on the self-flattering and truth-splattering “autobiography” of James Frey. By the grading system below, Oprah actually got an A grade. What makes for a Grade A apology?

Grade F. None of the items below. Doing all five of the items below gets an A grade.

Grade Incomplete for just saying the words “I’m sorry”. Same for if the “I’m sorry” statement says it’s for what one has done (good), but it also apologizes for other’s reactions (not so good): “I’m sorry I wasn’t careful enough that I didn’t get caught”, “I’m sorry you think it’s all my fault”, etc.

Grade D for also saying things like “I was wrong”, “It was wrong”, or using the words “my mistake.” The effect is lost if one offers excuses right away: “But you. . . .”, “but it was because. . .”, or worse still, if one excuses oneself by “it was just because” or “only because” of others’ mistakes.

Grade C for also acknowledging the mistake created bad experiences for others, and for listing these experiences. The more harmful effects described, the better. If one asks for what damages might’ve been overlooked, and then adds some painful consequences later, it’s not too late to get credit.

Grade B for also saying one wants to earn back the trust, to make it up to the other person. Better still, also make it up also to oneself. The more one offers to do specifically, the better. No credit for the words “I will . . . if you will . . .,” offering to scratch only the back of another backscratcher.

Grade A for also confessing one’s character flaws that caused the mistake, and offers in some specific way to reduce the risk of recurrence: “Í’m too emotional, so when I talk on without listening anymore, would you give me a T signal for Time Out? I’ll take five, breathe, and come back to listen.”

Finally, any apology that lays itself open to grading gets a boost of a letter grade. To get this upgrade, your apology will need to be written out, made in front of a mutually trusted adult, or both.

Being an “emotional coach” is a very important role any parent or grandparent can play. So can teachers, coaches and child-care providers. Children need to be taught good ways to handle their feelings, the insights and behaviors that can be called emotional intelligence (see last week’s column).

All good coaching begins by giving the child positive contact: eye contact, smile, an endearing name, a gentle touch, saying, “I can tell you’re upset, and that’s OK. Come over here” (away from everyone else) “and let’s talk for a moment.”

Temper tantrum: Explain to him that you hate the way he fusses, whines, and makes that face (demonstrate). When he acts like that, nobody wants to be around him. So he needs to go in the other room to get himself together (or you go, and close the door). Say you’ll be back in a few minutes, and if he’s in a better mood, you’ll talk about what happened, and how he handled it.

Then comes the teachable moment. Explain we don’t always get our way, but it’s going to be OK. If he wants to be with other people, he can take deep breaths, count slowly to ten, say a prayer for the people he’s mad at, and realize it was partly his fault too.

Fears: Tell her she’s safe here with you. She doesn’t have to run away, because hose frightening feelings of breathing and heart beating so fast are fine. They’ll pass away in a few minutes and she’ll be feeling better. You two can talk about what she’s afraid of.

Tears: Open your arms a little, and say: “I’ve got a hug that will make things feel better. It’s OK to cry with me. You’ll feel better after you let it out. Tell me what’s hurting you so bad right now.”

Coaching children helps them see what they want, and gives them new ways to get it. Coaches are first comforters, then teachers, role models, cheerleaders, and inspirational story-tellers. Stories about people they love and admire work the best. Emotional coaching will help you be one of those people.

The Kentucky Wildcats basketball team showed quite a turnaround in confidence and energy levels after learning about Emotional Intelligence (EI) last week from a UK faculty sports psychologist. Maybe some of these insights from EI research will have the same effect on you. The first three are primarily for men, and the second three mostly for women.

1. Feeling and expressing emotions gives you wisdom, relationships, and yes, power. Only folks (and some work settings) locked into a stereotyped male role don’t like it. “Stonewalling” is bad for your health too.

2. Develop your vocabulary for expressing emotions. Start with the basic five: sad, mad, glad, guilty, and scared. After you can feel and express these comfortably, add your own favorites, write them down, and keep them on hand for when you can’t label what you feel.

3. Believe the heart’s guidance and motivation is as important as the head’s. And use all your head: the middle, base and right side of the brain (feelings, instincts, pictures) are as useful as the left and the front (words and logic).

4. Before expressing a feeling in words or actions, think it through. What reaction will it probably get, and how will you react to that? Is this the best time and place?

5. When expressing painful feelings, especially when directed at someone you love, ask first if that person is ready to hear. People lose respect for you (and your message) when you vomit your guts out all over them verbally just to make yourself feel better.

6. Remember it’s not all about you. It’s better not to think of people as doing things to you, but rather for themselves. Don’t take things personally just because your emotions do. On the job, your first response usually needs to be restraint, perhaps reminding yourself “that’s business.”

More next week on emotional intelligence for parents, being an emotional coach for your children and grandchildren.

1. Have realistic expectations. Don’t sentimentalize old memories too much. And don’t go the other way either, replaying empty, depressing memories of the past. Content yourself with reality.

2. Give to others, without expecting anything in return—especially appreciation. Let that be a pleasant surprise, and give just for the pure joy it.

3. Dust off two or three good holiday memories as annual keepers, and make at least one good new one this year.

4. Take time to slow down. Smell the candles and cookies. Look at the houses all lit up.

5. Expand your family of origin, to include a family of choice too. Invite friends over, and treat them like family should be treated.

6. Believe in holy spirit. If believe seems too strong and absolute for you, pretend that holy spirit once did take up full residence in a human being, and is still doing it. When you act like something’s true, it begins to feel true, which will get you into the Christmas spirit for real.

7. Believe in saints, not ghosts. If you think people’s spirits can hang around and affect other people after they’ve died, don’t look back at the Scrooges of Christmas past. Look at Jesus. Believe or pretend that for a week and see how it goes.

8. Act out forgiveness. Forget about trust, just wish a meanie well. It’s your gift to God and yourself even more than to the one who hurt you.

9. Go outside where it’s quiet and natural. Wrap up real good, and stay out long enough to take it in, letting it take you in too.

10. Make the New Year a new kind of year. Write down three ways you could do this, and ask three people to help you with these changes.