Sex Addiction

Purpose: To decide whether to start on this journey of recovery with me. Procedures: Talking about what has happened, reviewing the options, managing the current crisis, and learning to trust me.

Purpose: To get the big picture, give up illusion of self-control, choose a new life. Procedures: Coming out of denial about reality, understanding how addictions work, committing to recovery, and surrendering to the process: this is often done in 40 days with a workbook

Purpose: To stop the habit, learn to handle stress, and reach out to others for help. Procedures: Limiting the damage, establishing sobriety, guarding physical health, and joining the 12-step community: can be done as quickly as 90 days with a workbook

Purpose: To start rebuilding your personal life, get over the humps of greatest pain and highest risk for relapse. Procedures: Taking inventory, making amends, examining past trauma, abuse, and neglect to get healing; getting through resentment, fear, shame, grief, despair, and loneliness to find serenity, acceptance, and forgiveness

Purpose: To rebuild all your relationships. Procedures: Admit the truth to spouse/lover, children, and family members (to the extent they need it); decide who’ll join your new recovering family

The hallmarks of addiction are: failed efforts to control or stop the addiction, withdrawal pains, obsessive thoughts about the habit, increasing consumption, continued addictive behavior despite huge costs/problems from doing so, and self-deception about the causes and effects of the addictive behavior.

A very common cause and effect of addictions are their polar opposites: compulsive habits of avoidance (aversions, or “anorexias”). The causes and effects of these aversive disorders are remarkably similar to those for addictions: both addicts and anorexics were often abused, neglected, or traumatized in their youth; exposed to addictions and enabling co-addicts in their families; and raised in homes that had way too much discipline or affection, or way too little.

For sex addicts, the best course of treatment is very structured and homework-intensive, so it has a time frame built into it. It is multi-dimensional, involving 12-step recovery, individual and ideally group counseling, a regimen of physical health, your family (if they will participate), and for Christians, prayer, church and Bible study. It reflects a structure of 30 tasks that is now emerging from research as the model standard for all addiction treatment programs.

I used to include a time line in this outline, but that was designed for hard core addicts who needed an intensive outpatient alternative for residential treatment. The amount of time to work through these phases, and the number of tasks that will need to be written out vs. discussed, will depend on the severity of your problem, and that really can't be known until the end of the second phase of treatment when you're out of denial.

Sexual addiction is not a black and white concept, as if you're either addicted or you're not. It's more like as infectious disease, and regarding the lust virus, you need to ask yourself, "How bad a case do I have? How much of my system is infected? How much damage has it done to my mind, heart, calendar, budget, career, faith, self-esteem, marriage?" The more extensive the damage, the more extensive the treatment and recovery you'll need to get free of its grip.

The stages of treatment outlined above are very useful, in that they come in a logical order. Though you are working on all the issues to some extent all the time, it is best to keep your primary focus on one aspect of recovery at a time. The later phases require building on the foundation of the earlier.

Note that many addicts want to put the last phase first, the fix their marriage and family life, and then establish victory over their bad habits. This effectively would make the spouse a substitute addiction, and it wouldn't work for either of you. Full restoration of marital intimacy can only come in the final stage of treatment.

Because addicts are usually (1) pretty unhappy with their lives due to their addiction, (2) quite injured and misled from their childhood experiences, (3) damaged from trauma, (4) addicted to more than one type of substance or behavior, (5) suffering from losses that haven’t been grieved, and (6) unaware of the existence or relevance of these five things, addicts can’t effectively plan their own treatment. So this course doesn’t have many optional features. It works if you work it, and you’re either on board or you’re not. But rest assured that my goal is to phase regular sessions with me out of your life, and turn you over to the guidance, support and accountability of fellow believers and recovering 12-steppers.

Addicts are much like the prodigal son, codependents are much like the elder brother, and recovery is much like the father who comes running with open arms. I am like a fellow traveler who has walked the road of recovery himself, and I am here to lead you to a new home life that is better than you could have ever imagined.

DSB's: Dysfunctional Sexual Behaviors may include: masturbation, pornography, flirting, eyeballing, massage, cheating, chatting, phone sex, role exploitation, buying, selling and trading sex, pain exchange, 800 #s, anonymous (bathroom/park) sex, fetishes, voyeurism, exposing yourself, webcam exposures, and varieties of shutting down: impotence, anorexia, avoidance of marital love & sex.

Ten Addictive Signs: impulse control, broken plans, can't quit, preoccupation (obsession), loss of needed time/money, irresponsibility, social fallout, social dropout, behavioral escalation (tolerance), withdrawal symptoms (mood changes). 3 of these 10 and it's an official addiction.

Cyberporn seems Accessible (but so are you to it!), Affordable (it is at first, but not for long!), and Anonymous (sure at first, but hey, not for long!). It is also Always changing (it hypnotizes your attention), Aggressively seeking your loyalty (it wants your business, to sell your information to others), Adaptable (it remembers your past behavior, your arousal pattern, and throws up things personally designed to ramp up your involvement), and Always Accepting (it seems to never reject you, but it rejects the rest of who you are, your faith, family, finances, freedom, health, etc.). This 7-headed monster will eat you alive if you let it.

Use the right terminology: lover = hater, affair = trap, porn = poison, (masturbation) = idolatry, fantasy = adultery, "I didn't mean/enjoy it" = minimizing, "I can control it" = denial, ""I wanted to because" = blame-shifting.

Addictions are fueled by (and produce!) trauma/fear, shame, aversions, , and enablers, so learn to break those cycles. These are both triggers and bullets.

Bondage will in slow, creepy, one-at-a-time-so-you-don't-really-notice speed also consume your: mind, freedom, dignity (heart), wife, kids, career, faith, health, and then your life.

Bondage will take from your wife: her trust in you, respect for you, feeling safe with you, desire for you, mental focus during sex, resistance to reading your mind and taking your inventory, ability to relax, body image, confidence in her future, and all the fruits of the spirit: faith, hope, love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, kindness, goodness, self-control.

Recovery/Repentance involves: people and principles, prayer and Bible study, meetings, readings, sponsors, accountability partners, phone calls, working the steps: admitting powerlessness and unmanageability, surrendering to God, taking inventory, giving character defects to God, making amends, admitting when we're wrong, prayer, service work, decompartmentalizing.

Recovery/Repentance brings: restoring the free-flowing of all things consumed above, and what we are all made to crave above all else in this life: intimacy with God, spouse, self, children and buddies in recovery. You doubt me? What good is anything else without these, without loved ones to share it with? How deep could your joy be, and how long could it last if you don't give it away?

There’s nothing soft about the damage “soft pornography” does to those not aware of its dangers. And few people are. If you use pornography or know somebody who does, here are fifteen common lies whispered to us by the purveyors of sex trash in magazines, movies, and websites.

I can control myself. I will be able to keep my porn use from growing. Reality: What satisfies now won’t satisfy later. Porn demands increasingly degrading stimulation.

If not, my firewall will hold up. No one else will ever know what I’m doing here. Reality: Porn sites are very wealthy, and so they have pioneered the technology for recording what you want and how to get you aroused. They recognize you as a unique customer, and at your most vulnerable moments, they present you with images selected for you personally. Private porn (just like actual cheating with a lover on the side) craves the thrill of increasing the risk of detection.

I won’t masturbate to this stuff. Reality: It will arouse you, and it will glamorize masturbation. If you give it enough opportunities, porn will talk you into it.

Even if I did, it would be harmless. Reality: Just as the sound of the bell became an appetizing turn-on to Pavlov’s dogs just because it came right before the food, whatever you’re looking at or thinking about right before an orgasm will become irresistible in real life. You will be training yourself not only to want promiscuous partners, but become unable to resist them.

I’m single—I’ll quit if I marry a prude, and let’s hope I don’t. Reality: By training yourself to want promiscuous partners, you’re preparing any exclusive relationship to get ruined, by cheating, and guaranteeing it will be messed up by possessive jealousy. Most of the insights below about marriage will apply to most single adult love relationships as well.

Porn is harmless to marriage. In fact, it will spice up a marriage. Reality: Private porn stimulates the mindsets that trigger its use: self-pity and self-centeredness, entitlement and resentment, insecurity and impatience, lust and loneliness. All these attitudes ruin a marriage.

What they don't know won't hurt them. Reality: Whatever you do to yourself, you do to your spouse too (you’re a one-flesh team). Even if you don’t get caught. When you deceive your spouse, life always goes out of the marriage, and both of you can feel it. When you do get caught, you’ll soon realize that the cover-up actually hurts the spouse worse than the pornography or the promiscuous sex it will eventually lead to.

Porn prevents adultery. If I can enjoy porn privately, it will drain off the desire to cheat. Reality: By portraying sex apart from responsibilities like marriage, porn glamorizes cheating, stimulates the desire for it, and weakens the resolve to avoid it.

I can have it both ways. I can change my mental gears to fit into whatever setting I’m in. Reality: Memories, pictures, feelings and desires from the porn world will spill over into a marriage, and vice-versa. Each will mess up the other.

The purpose of sex is just pleasure and relaxation, so porn is pretty much perfect sex. Reality: The best purpose of sex is for the enjoyment and bonding together of husband and wife, and that’s where all the perfect sex lies.

Marriage? Fidelity and Monogamy are gone with the wind. Virtually no one is faithful anymore, and those who try to be are tragicomic figures who surely would cheat if only they could get away with it. Reality: Some people who could seemingly get away with it choose not to cheat because they want genuine intimacy at home. They are the free ones, free to cheat or to be faithful, free to be natural, passionate, tender, and completely close all at the same time. The tragic figures here those who stray. They are not free, because they are slaves to their desires or to others' temptations—they can’t always say no.

Deep down all women want to get off. Every woman is steaming hot underneath, and wants orgasms above all. They can and should come to a man preheated, ready to get sexy without any need for love, tenderness, or fidelity, which are all just a waste of time.

Reality: Women heat up slow like a crock-pot. They need appreciation, conversation, then affection. Those who train themselves to discount these things and be aroused like men at just the touch or the sight of certain body parts are very unhappy down inside. They long for a committed, caring relationship, and in time they will try to turn any extra-marital affair into a marriage for themselves. Historically, these women make horrible wives, and dangerous friends.

Sex comes easy for men. Men are passive and privileged, able to just wait until a woman presents herself. They don't need to approach her, love her, understand her, listen to her, be true to her, or partner with her. Men don’t need a woman to do any of this in order for him to get aroused. They just need a fresh supply of raunchy stuff.

Reality: As the years go by, love gets more and more sexually arousing to men, and lust, less and less. Sure, nearly all men like to be playful and creative with their lovemaking, and want their wives to be the same. But men like to take the initiative, and to be admired for their character, and for what they do in life. No one’s approval or disapproval means more to him than his family’s, and that requires fidelity.

Lust has a lovely luster. People who crave sex and can't get enough of it live a beautiful, carefree, pleasure-filled life, played out in the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Reality: No, these people are sex addicts, and unless they get into recovery or die young, they are destined to lose everything. A sexual addiction can be satisfied with nothing less than destroying your family, friends, health, faith, money and even your ability to orgasm. Truth is, "Anything you put before your recovery you will lose."

If it feels good do it. Reality: If it feels good, first think through the long-term, widespread harm. Do a cost-benefit analysis. Remember that relationships are way more fulfilling than orgasms. No one wants to live and die alone.

The Bible gives in rich detail how life unfolds for people who fall into sexual sin. It was pure visual seduction for David when he laid eyes on his neighbor’s wife Bathsheba (2Sam 11). His heart followed his eyes in violating the 10^th commandment, and in short order that act stimulated violations of the 9^th (lying), 8^th (stealing), 7^th (adultery), and when these couldn’t be covered up, he went on and broke the 6^th by murdering her husband. Previously a man of great virtue, he quickly broke half the ten commandments, and it all started with his eyes. For her infidelity, Bathsheba may have gotten a palatial upgrade on her residence, but she had to endure her lover’s murder of her dear husband, feel his remorse expressed publicly in the hit song of its day (Psalm 51), and then like so many adulterers in therapy afterwards, watch helplessly as her children and step-children lived out the generational after-effects over the years to come: rape, incest, violence, job loss, family disintegration, etc.

In Genesis 39, we see a strong example of Joseph resisting seduction by Potiphar’s wife, going to jail for it, and then having a wonderful life restored to him because of his obedience. Hosea gives us a compassionate look into the forgiving heart of God through a broken-hearted victim of his wife Gomer’s infidelity and chronic bondage to sex. The father of the prodigal son is another (Luke 15).

We see many successful lives turned around through repentance, confession, and obedient forsaking of sexual sin. David shows us the way in Psalm 51, and several women in Jesus’ life followed it -- the one at the well in John 4, the one weeping for the joy of her forgiveness and cleansing at the house of Simon the Pharisee (Luke 7), and the one caught in the act of adultery, about to be stoned for it (John 8). From that last example, Paul Tournier in Guilt and Grace teaches both perpetrators and victims that we all need a healthy amount of guilt about our sin, not too much like the woman had, and not too little like the Pharisees had. Godly sorrow for sin is shown in 2Cor 7: 8-11, which joins Psalm 51 as excellent roadmaps to repentance and restoration for the sexual sinner. Brokenness will show in a full confession, a broken open heart, and behavior change.

To prevent or to break bondage to sexual sin, it is necessary to guard what comes into the mind (Phil 4:8) and heart (Pr 4:23), through the eyes (Mt 5:28-9), through what we touch (v.30), so that unclean acts do not come out from our bodies (Mt 15:18-19), so that we and others are not perverted and ruined by the words coming out of our mouths (James 5:5-6), or what we join our souls to as we unite in a sexual embrace (1Cor 6:15-20). We find the strength to do all this from our God, embodied in the Holy Spirit (John 14-16) poured out through the church/fellowship of believers (Eph 2:18-21, 4:4-6), the word of God (Heb 4:12-13, 2Tim 3:16-17), friends (John 15:15), people we help (Mt 25:37-40), and small support groups (Mt 18:20). Computer porn and cheat chat smells badly of “all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the pride of life” (1Jo2:16).

Below are four lies your addiction will keep trying to get you to believe. They are discussed in several of Dr. Parick Cares’ books. In order to train your brain to think differently, make your own copy of this document, and add after each one ideas that will counteract them. Unbold the lie, and leave the healthy ideas in bold face. For each healthy idea, cite your source (authority). Carry a copy of this with you as a tool in your fire drill kit. And as you discover other lies your addiction tells you in your head, write them down as well, beginning with #5, and record the healthy ideas that correct these lies. Keep sharpening this knife to cut thru the crap you will no doubt keep hearing in your head for awhile. The more you use this tool, the less you will hear the lies.

4. Sex is the most important sign of love. (or) Sex is my most important need.

Drawing three circles inside each other (like the Target logo) will represent three important lists of behaviors. These lists will be fluid, and you will need to add and subtract new items on a regular basis, at least from the boundaries list and the recovery behaviors. These lists will be useful in structuring and summarizing your reports of how you have been doing. They are often an excellent way to give account of yourself on a regular basis, in your marriage, with your sponsor, and with same-sex accountability partners.

Sobriety definition (the inner circle). Here you describe any behavior that you believe you are called to completely avoid. Examples of behaviors that are often placed on this list for sex addicts are: adultery, pornography (be very specific), masturbation, and giving or receiving's solicitations, money, time, or seductive/affectionate touch with an opposite-sex person.

Boundaries list (the middle circle, things that would be a slip but not a relapse): This should include all behaviors that might come before a relapse, and that might incite some temptation to relapse, or undermine your resistance, such as lying or covering up, allowing your eyes to look too long at something, allowing your mind to stay too long on a fantasy or memory, burying your anger or hurt as you walk away from an argument are avoiding, or straying into a gray area talking with or touching and opposite-sex friend (any violation of your guidelines for contact with the opposite sex that would not constitute a relapse).

Recovery behaviors (the outer circle): if you are married, include positive approaches to your mate that you need to work on making regularly until they are habits. Include behaviors your spouse wants and needs to see for closeness to occur (e.g., sharing your feelings, calling/texting during the day, coming home on time, spending time with the kids, praying together, sitting together on the couch, gentle touch that is not foreplay, speaking the spouse’s love language, whatever). Also include all of your regular recovery behaviors, and state the frequency (daily, weekly) you are led to do each one: meetings, devotionals, phone calls, workbook pages, going to church, attending counseling, daily prayers, accountability check-ins with spouse, buddy and/or sponsor, whatever. Include other behaviors that are to be done often and whenever appropriate, but not on a daily or weekly schedule, such as step work, tasks for recovery, making amends.

The “word of God” can also be found in Christian writings for the perpetrators and victims of sexual sin. Though not specifically Christian, Pat Carnes bases his hope on the Biblically inspired 12-step program. Doug Weiss, Mark Laaser[1] and Harry Schaumburg[2] are Biblically oriented Christian psychologists who are themselves recovering from sex addiction. They show how sexual infidelity and pornography are twisted perversions of our spiritual hunger for God. Help Online:

www.sexhelp.com great source of information, research, and on-line tests to learn about yourself

www.sa.org domain for Sexaholics Anonymous, the more biblical of the 12-step programs

www.sexaa.org domain for Sex Addicts Anonymous, the more liberal of the 12-step programs

[1] Laaser, Mark (1996) Faithful and True. Nashville : Lifeway, an excellent workbook, plus original book by Zondervan,

[2] Schaumburg , Harry (1992) False Intimacy. Colorado Springs : NavPress.

#	Phase of Journey	Primary Need is to	Twelve Steps	Thirty Tasks
0	Beginning	Start up	--	--
1	Recognition	Give up	1	1-4
2	Sobriety	Give it up	2-3	5-7
3	Payback	Stand up	4-9	8-19
4	Homecoming	Join up	10-12	20-30