The following are some of the extreme examples we see today that exemplify the insanity of sexual addiction:
The signs of addiction. Some would say these cases are matters of sexual excess, bad judgment, or accidents. Others would dismiss them as bizarre or perverted. In reality, they represent a much more serious problem: a life-threatening obsession with sex. Such people are sex addicts. The patterns of their lives signify the presence of an illness we are now beginning to understand.
These cases of sexual addiction all present situations of an obvious loss of control. But many times therapists experience situations that are less clear. For example, the therapist may have little data. Or the addiction may be obscured by convoluted marriages or job situations. Or the addict may simply have dodged successfully all the consequences so far. Also, clients may deliberately deceive the therapist. Sometimes spouses will collude in that deception, although they may still want help desperately.
Sexual Addiction Defined
We are surrounded by the signs of sex addiction yet still resist its reality.
We can accept that people can be sick with alcoholism or can destroy themselves with gambling or food, but not sex. A comparison with other forms of addiction offers a fundamental foundation for understanding the key concepts of this compulsive sexual disorder. An alcoholic or chemically addicted person is said to have a pathological relationship with a mood-altering substance.
The addicted individual’s relationship with the substance becomes primary and, with continued use, impacts the person’s psychological adjustment, economic functioning, and social and family relationships. This relationship between person and substance progresses to the point where alcohol is necessary to feel normal. This progression leads to isolation since the primary relationship is with a substance, not with other people. Distortions in thinking, especially denial become part of how the addict keeps painful feelings and associations related to substance abuse at a distance.
Sexual addiction is similar. Sex addicts use sex in the same way an alcoholic uses alcohol. In other words, sex is used to numb feelings and escape from the painful parts of their lives. The sex addict substitutes a sick relationship for a healthy relationship with others. The sexual experience becomes mood altering and in time becomes central to the sex addict’s life. Leading a fantasy double life is a distortion of reality and separates the individual from those who love and care about them. The fact that the addict has no control over their behavior is a difficult concept for non-addicts to grasp. This is particularly so with regards to sex addiction and in view of the many damaged relationships, ruined marriages, parentless children, and even worse, victims of sexual misconduct or crimes. There is little neutral response to sexual improprieties.
One assumption often made incorrectly, is that addiction to drugs or alcohol decreases inhibition and therefore causes or is substituted for sex addiction. The truth is that alcoholism is a concurrent illness and not the cause of sex addiction. Treatment centers that miss the diagnosis of sex addiction may unintentionally contribute to relapse and to the recidivism factor of alcoholism and drug addiction.
The Making of a Sex Addict
In a study of more than a thousand recovering sex addicts and their partners, research determined that sex addicts tend to come from families where there were addictions of all kinds. For example, mothers (25%), fathers (38%), and siblings (46%) had significant alcohol problems. Mothers (18%), fathers (38%) and siblings (50%) had problems with sexual acting out. Parallel patterns existed with eating disorders, compulsive financial disorders, pathological gambling, and compulsive work. Only 13% of sex addicts reported coming from families with no other addictions.
Family type was also a factor. Sex addicts in this study experienced their families as rigid (77 %), defined as autocratic, dogmatic, and inflexible. Clinically, therefore, sex addicts will have difficulty with limit setting and accountability due to this experience, since accountability means loss of self. For them to comply with such rigidity meant they could not be different in any way. Many sex addicts experienced their families to be disengaged (87%), defined as detached, uninvolved, and emotionally absent. Failure to bond was a norm in these families. So, in part, their addiction stemmed from their search for nurturing without the risk of intimacy or trust. More than 68% of these families of origin were both rigid and disengaged. Therefore, the high probability in treatment is their difficulty with both accountability and trust.
Another major area of impact was the role of child abuse. Addicts reported physical abuse (72%), sexual abuse (81%). and emotional abuse (97%). In addition, the more sexually and physically abused the respondents were as children, the more types of addictions they had as adults. Emotional abuse was a significant factor in addicts who abused children themselves. It is clear that for sex addicts trauma and addiction are inextricably connected.
In the original research we did for Don’t Call It Love we started with a database of 114 behaviors in which we did a factor analysis. A series of “types” or “constellations” of sexually compulsive behavior emerged in the sex addicts surveyed. Over the years, we have elaborated the ten types as an empirically based model of compulsive sexual behavior. What follows is a review of the ten types.
Fantasy Sex – Notice attractive traits in others and will feel attracted, but they do not move beyond it. There is a safety in staying in the fantasy world as opposed to acting on the fantasy. Romance and sex can flourish when there is no reality testing. The person often becomes lost in sexual obsession and intrigue, including behaviors that support preoccupation.
Masturbation to fantasies is how we learn about our own desire. When masturbation becomes compulsive, we make it a way to escape our loneliness. It is about fear of rejection, fear of reality, and reduction of anxiety. It can also be self indulgent in the sense of seeking comfort as opposed to risking relationship. Many sex addicts find refuge in fantasy sex because other forms of acting out are simply too complicated, too risky, or too much effort. Fantasy sex is a way to disassociate from reality including relationships.
Voyeurism – Voyeurs are also non-participants in the sex game. They move beyond fantasy to searching out sexual objects in the real world. It is normal to enjoy looking at others sexually. When that means looking at people who do not know they are being viewed it becomes problematic. When it is about compulsive pornography use it becomes isolating. Voyeurs also venture into flirtation. Sitting in a strip bar and having someone do a table dance for you focusing on another’s sexual demonstration behavior without the voyeur doing anything. To put it in childhood terms, you show me yours and I’ll watch. Usually voyeurism means objectifying the other person so it is not a personal relationship.
Exhibitionism – Exhibitionism is the “I will show you mine” part. It is pleasurable and normal to have others notice you sexually. With a partner it is a significant part of sex play. Some addicts fixate on just being noticed and have difficulty moving beyond that. Eroticism for them is being looked at. For some it is the power of realizing they have captured the other’s attention. For some it is forcing their sexuality on the other, which is angry and aggressive.
From a relationship perspective it is introducing oneself in an inappropriate way. Or seeking attention from others with no intent of going further, which is to tease. Sometimes it is about the pleasure of breaking the rules. When it is obsessional and compulsive, it is a significant distortion of normal courtship.
Seductive Role Sex – Here relationships are about power and conquest. Flirtation, performance, and romance are the erotic keys for sex addicts in this category. They are hooked on falling in love and winning the attention of the other. Often once they have established that, the sexual interest subsides. While they can quickly gain the confidence of others, and can be intimate in the early discovery, romantic stage, establishing a deeper relationship eludes them. They are on the hunt for another.
Another common scenario is to feel trapped like they cannot be themselves. So they have multiple relationships in which they can be different with different people. They have a hard time being themselves or individuating. Often there is a fear of abandonment so having more than one relationship is a way to prevent the hurt they are sure they will receive. They are crippled in their ability to form lasting bonds and enduring relationships.
Trading Sex – Some sex workers actually do form some attachment for their clients but typically bartering sex for money is devoid of relationship. The goal is to simulate flirtation, demonstration, and romance. What actually happens in most cases is about replication of childhood sexual abuse in which the child gained power in a risky game of being sexual with the caregiver. If a prostitute is a sex addict, meaning that they found sex more pleasurable with clients than in personal relationships and are “hooked on the life,” it represents a significant distortion of normal courtship. Often the money is a sign of having been successful at the sexual “game” and the client can be disregarded except as a repeat customer. Forging significant, enduring bonds or being true to yourself as in individuation is not part of the game.
Intrusive Sex – People who do intrusive sex such as touching people in crowds or making obscene calls are really perverting the touching and foreplay dimensions of courtship. In most cases they are using others for sexual arousal with little chance of being caught. Their behavior represents both intimacy failure and individuation difficulties. In their behavior they do not see themselves as predatory although they are. An implicit anger exists and they “steal” sex because they believe no one would respond as they wish. So the goal is to take it without the other’s knowledge. They become quite expert in their subterfuge.
For example professionals such as physicians, clergy, or attorney’s will look quite compassionate when in fact they use their clients’ vulnerability for their own arousal. Stolen intrusion becomes the obsession. On-going relationship life suffers because of the secret shame.
Paying for Sex – Here sex addicts are willing participants in simulated intimacy. They are focused however on the touching, foreplay, and intercourse dimensions without the hassle of relationship. Frequently they tell themselves it is because of their partner’s inadequacies that they resort to prostitution. Compulsive prostitution is a larger problem but it does reflect relationship failure. Often times the failure is about the sex addict’s inability to communicate feelings to their partner or to be willing to work on their own attractiveness behaviors. For some sex is intimacy – or as close as they will allow themselves to be.
Frequently there is sexual anorexia in that it is difficult to be aroused in the presence of someone for whom you care. Commitment to and renewal of relationships are profoundly undermined by the secret life of this behavior.
Anonymous Sex – By definition, this sexual behavior is not about relationship. You do not have to attract, seduce, trick, or even pay for sex. It is compulsive sex, often in high-risk circumstances with people one does not know. Ironically the sexual anorexia counterpart is often also present with the associated loneliness and isolation. Frequently for sex addicts, part of the high is the risk of unknown persons and situations. In part, that stems from early sexual relationships that were fearful. Having to experience fear in order for arousal or sexual initiation to work fundamentally distorts the courtship process. The safety of enduring bond is never there to allow the deeper, profound risks of being known by another.
Pain Exchange Sex – People who are compulsively into painful, degrading, or dangerous sexual practices such as “blood sports” (creating wounds which bleed as part of sex) or asphyxiation, often have significant distortions of courtship. Specifically touching, foreplay, and intercourse become subordinated to some dramatic story line that usually is a reenactment of a childhood abuse experience. For a woman to be aroused only if a man is hurting her is a distortion of what goes into sexual and relationship health. Enduring relationships are difficult to build given the arousal scenarios embedded in high-risk sex.
Exploitive Sex – To exploit the vulnerable is clearly distorted courtship. With sex offenders who rape there exists deep issues around intimacy and anger. Less obvious are non-violent predators that use seduction, as with children or professional sexual misconduct with clients. In the workplace where there is a differential of power, employees can be exploited.
Assessing Sex Addiction
Criteria for assessing sex addiction closely parallels guidelines for assessing substance abuse, alcoholism, and compulsive gambling. On the basis of research and clinical experience, there are ten signs that indicate the presence of sexual addiction. A minimum of three criteria must be met; however, most addicts have five, and over half, have seven or more.
In addition, another source of lost time is the time spent dealing with the consequences. Lies have to be covered. Upset and exploited lovers need to be calmed down. Money shortages have to be faced and diseases dealt with. Outraged spouses, disappointed bosses, neglected children and arresting officials all take time. Further subterfuges are required to prevent more discoveries. Addicts become even more depleted by these problems and then attempt to restore or reward themselves with sexual behavior.
In a survey we found a seemingly unending array of ways that sex addicts harm themselves and others: The majority of sex addicts say they routinely run the risk of venereal disease. Many have lost a partner or spouse and most have experienced severe marital or relationship problems. Some have lost the rights to their children. Women sex addicts report deep grief over abortions and unwanted pregnancies. Some reported losing the opportunity to work in the career of their choice. A majority have routinely pursued activities for which they could be arrested.
Many addicts who have recovered from both a chemical addiction and sex addiction say that recovery from sex addiction was more difficult. They generally agree that while the initial physical symptoms are less severe, the withdrawal experience is more prolonged and more painful.
Collateral Indicators of Sexual Addiction
In addiction, there are 20 collateral indicators, which assist in the assessment of sexual addiction. A minimum of 10 criteria must be met:
1. Patient has severe consequences because of sexual behavior.
2. Patient meets the criteria for depression and it appears related to sexual acting out.
3. Patient meets the criteria for depression and it appears related to sexual aversion.
4. Patient reports history of sexual abuse.
5. Patient reports history of physical abuse.
6. Patient reports emotional abuse.
7. Patient describes sexual life in self-medicating terms (intoxicating, tension-relief, pain-reliever, sleep aid).
8. Patient reports persistent pursuit of high risk or self-destructive behavior.
9. Patient reports sexual arousal for high risk or self-destructive behavior is extremely high compared to safe sexual behavior.
10. Patient meets diagnostic criteria for other addictive disorders.
11. Patient simultaneously uses sexual behavior in concert with other addictions (gambling, eating disorders, substance abuse, alcoholism, compulsive spending) to the extent that desired effect is not achieved without sexual activity and other addiction present.
12. Patient has history of deception around sexual behavior.
13. Patient reports other members of the family are addicts.
14. Patient expresses extreme self-loathing because of sexual behavior.
15. Patient has few intimate relationships that are not sexual.
16. Patient is in crisis because of sexual matters.
17. Patient has history of crisis around sexual matters.
18. Patient experiences anhedonia in the form of diminished pleasure for same experiences.
19. Patient comes from a "rigid" family.
20. Patient comes from a "disengaged" family.
The Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST)
A wealth of literature exists on the usefulness of screening instruments to assist in diagnosing alcoholism. Historically, these instruments have proved valuable as adjuncts to the therapist’s assessment process. This kind of tool has been developed for sex addiction, called the Sexual Addiction Screening Test or SAST. Developed in conjunction with hospitals, treatment programs, private therapists, and community groups, the SAST provides a profile of responses which help to discriminate between addictive and non-addictive behavior. To complete the test, patients are asked to answer a total of 25 questions by placing a check in the appropriate yes or no column. The SASTs are available free on Dr. Carnes’ website located at www.sexhelp.com.
The Sexual Dependency Inventory (SDI)
A comprehensive online test is now available that measures all aspects of sexual addiction. It gives a complete sexual history (without names of course), shows what kinds of things are arousing, what types of behavior are currently being manifested, what makes them appealing, what motivations there are for treatment, what other addictive behaviors are active or at risk, and it shows several measures of how honest the respondent is being with himself and in filling out the test. With a print-out of some 35 pages for the test-taker, it also gives homework assignments to transform the test into a learning experience. This test costs $100, and it can be done anytime by contacting your CSAT counselor, who will be happy to answer further questions about this instrument.
Resources and Guidelines
There are some important guidelines to remember in doing assessments. First, be aware that there are women sex addicts. A tendency exists to see this as only a male problem. For every three male sex addicts, there is one woman. This ratio of men to women is an exact parallel to the gender ratios found in compulsive gambling and alcoholism.
Second, sex addiction is seldom isolated. More that 83 percent of addicts report multiple addictions. The DSM-IV does not include sex addiction under substance-related disorders, but rather in a separate category called Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders. There is however, cause to examine sex addiction from an addiction perspective given that more than 83% of sex addicts report multiple addictions, including chemical dependency (42%), eating disorders (38%), compulsive working (28%), compulsive spending (26%), and compulsive gambling (5%). Studies of alcoholism treatment find sexual compulsion in patients, ranging from 42 to 73 percent.
Third, sex offenders can also be sex addicts. Our data show that serious sex offenses occur in only 13 percent of the cases of the general population of sex addicts. However, a number of studies used sexual addiction criteria to identify sex addicts in groups of sex offenders. The results ranged from 55 percent to 100 percent of the population studied. Often, the compulsive behavior of sex offenders includes non-offending behavior as well.
Fourth, about 72 percent of sex addicts also evidence symptoms of sexual aversion-desire disorder, or as it is sometimes called, “sexual anorexia.” Similar to those with eating disorders, patients will flip from being out of control into a super “in-control” period. Or there will be a binge/purge pattern. Also, it is not unusual to see simultaneous binge/purge, as in a patient who is out of control outside of the marriage and compulsively non-sexual with his or her spouse. There are different criteria for assessing sexual anorexia.
In a recent issue of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, David Wines (1997) contributed a study of 57 participants in a Sex Addicts Anonymous group who had been in recovery, on average, two and a half years. In part, stimulated by the Wines study, we started gathering data on patients admitted for inpatient treatment.
Within the first 48 hours of treatment, sex addicts do an assessment with nursing and psychiatry professionals. The attending nurse, the doctor, and the patient discuss each criterion and determine whether the patient’s experiences actually fit the criteria. We then compared our “initial assessment” with the Wines’ “long-term assessment” of individuals with two or more years of recovery. A discrepancy existed between the initial and long-term figures, with the long-term figure always being a larger percentage. The argument can be made that this reflects denial. Addicts in recovery for longer than 2 years will have much more clarity about their illness than those in the initial 48 hours of treatment. Even so, 80 % of those initial assessments yielded at least 3 of the criteria, which is the standard in the DSM-IV for gambling, alcoholism, and substance abuse. Wines found that 94% had at least 5 criteria, and over 50% had at least 7 criteria.
This points, however, to an area of research of strategic importance in the field of sex addiction. If we have accurate descriptors of the patient’s condition, it will help us legitimize the field and the work we do with our clients. Sex addiction has emerged as a clinical entity. With the hard work of many people, this information makes the shadow of sex addiction less elusive now than it was 20 years ago.
Grace and truth are both contagious, and they need each other. Our communications in marriage should show (and thus inspire) love, respect, and understanding toward BOTH spouse and self: love your neighbor as yourself. Disclosing sexual betrayal and sin goes better when both spouses first read this article, and focus on their own behavior, motives, and tone, not what their partner is doing.
There are two points in time where disclosure is most important, and can be considered a “full disclosure.” At both of these times, it is most helpful for this to be done in a counselor’s office, to support the Spouse. The first of these disclosures is the initial full disclosure, when the Spouse says she is ready to know everything, and the Addict agrees to tell everything. It is never a good idea, it is never helpful to anyone including yourself, to say that a disclosure is complete when it is not. If you are not ready to be fully honest, it is best to ask for a week or two delay, to give you time to get into your counselor’s office to be told how and why to make your disclosure completely honest and kind. If you think you can’t be both fully kind and fully honest, that is your addiction thinking for you.
The second point in time that may be considered a full disclosure is the only one that should be called the “second final disclosure.” This comes after the Addict has heard and processed his spouse’s impact letter/statement. Only then can he know how much damage he has to make amends for. And only then can he give full account of his character defects, the mind-sets that have motivated his behavior. Only by taking steps four through eight can the Addict say with any confidence or honesty that he is no longer in denial about his character flaws, and no longer in bondage to them, that he will no longer use them to excuse his misbehaviors.
The Addict will find it hard to accept, but “staggered disclosure” (repeatedly saying that he is disclosing everything, only to find himself doing the same thing again and again) does more harm to the Spouse and to the Addict than simply saying, “I am not ready to be fully honest yet. I need a week or two to get ready.” The Spouse will find it hard to accept that early in recovery, neither of them will know for sure how complete the disclosure is. The Addict may not know enough to disclose everything yet, because suppressed memories may not have all surfaced yet. His emotional coping skills may not yet be able to handle the shame and fear of full awareness, and so he may be repressing memories from himself without knowing it.
The first nine of the 12 steps, and the corresponding first 19 of the 31 tasks, usually takes the Addict about 18 months to complete. Until this final disclosure in step nine, the Addict should be considered suspect – neither faithful nor unfaithful, neither honest nor dishonest, just suspect. No matter how much checking or investigating his Spouse does before this, and no matter how much the Addict does or doesn’t disclose, the Spouse will and should naturally distrust the Addict to some extent. Both should avoid the illusion of control, and embrace how powerless they are over themselves and each other. This requires both Addict and Spouse to live one day at a time, not trusting themselves or each other, leaning only on God who works through the people, principles, practices, and prayers of recovery.
Prior to final disclosure, other disclosures may be made by mutual agreement, such as when either the Addict or the Spouse discovers something. Disclosure is very personal and painful. It is not a “one size fits all” activity. Very little practical guidance is given in the workbooks from Drs. Carnes, Laaser, and Schneider about it, and the same was true for my formal training. So here are my thoughts below. For the sake of simplicity, the addict is referred to as male, and the spouse as female.)
Remember these important facts and considerations about disclosure:
Consider the high cost of not disclosing. Without full confession by the Addict, mistrust and disrespect go back and forth like a ping-pong ball, and the Spouse feels horrible either way. When she distrusts the Addict but he is still covering up, he treats her badly. When the Spouse trusts the Addict, she immediately and inevitably disrespects herself, because someone has to be at fault for her pain. Trusting the addict too soon often leaves the Spouse feeling like a nag, a fool, a stooge, a clown, or “the subject of every bad country song.”
Consider the high cost of premature disclosure. It is likely premature when it is done without planning, supervision, or informed consent, and before he has completed steps 1-9 and tasks 1-19. Such disclosures are typically very offensive to the Spouse, because they are saturated with defense mechanisms designed to minimize the Addict’s pain: denial, rationalization, excuses, minimizing, staying in his head to avoid emotions, projecting emotion and responsibility onto others, claiming credit for good intentions, vomiting emotion to avoid feeling it, claiming not to know better, claiming helplessness, playing dumb (“I don’t know”, “I don’t remember”), and requesting the collusion of secrecy (“we mustn’t tell…”). Such maneuvers are infuriating because they avoid the pain which the Addict needs to learn from his mistakes. They perpetuate the Spouse’s experience that although the addict carries the lion’s share of the blame, she is carrying the lion’s share of the pain.
Consider the benefits to the Addict of timely, planned, structured, and supervised disclosure:
and amends), instead of two more backward (covering up and avoiding dialogue)
Consider the benefits to the Spouse of timely, planned, structured, and supervised disclosure:
These procedures are not all appropriate for all cases. These are given as a menu of options from which the Addict may want to choose. They are not intended as a list of recommendations for every case, or as things that an aggrieved Spouse would always be appropriate to demand.
A counseling professional needs to be present, to moderate the meeting, to support the Spouse primarily, and to correct either partner from communication that isn’t constructive. (The Addict may also need to have his own sponsor or supportive guide present, if the Spouse agrees with the choice.) For example, both spouses need to be guided to avoid harsh criticism (attacking partner’s character or motives), sarcastic mockery (either verbal or nonverbal), stonewalling (shutting down), and defensiveness (playing the victim, whining, yes-butting, killing the messenger, etc.) – these are what research has proven to be the four most maritally toxic forms of communication [Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse]. The moderating professional also needs to keep the conversation on task, and blessed with grace and truth.
The moderator may coach the Spouse in using what has been called the Shield of SAFEty:
The Addict needs to bring a written outline of what he is going to present, and to help everyone stay on task, a copy for each person who is there. With each type of mistake that he confesses, each slip or relapse, he needs to say what harm he thinks he has done: who he has hurt, what he has taken from them, and what damage he has dumped on them (see my outline for RELAPSE REPAIR below).
When he has completed this confession, he needs to report the inventory he has taken of what he has done, and of what he carries within him that caused these mistakes. In effect, he needs to present his future sobriety plan in four circles: the inner circle of what would constitute a relapse (behaviors that he believes he must never do again), the outer circle of what preventive devotional and recovery behaviors he is proposing to do in the future (including frequency and duration), the next inside circle of character defects and triggering mindsets (resentment, shame, insecurity, boredom, loneliness, horniness, exhaustion, self-pity, discouragement, failure, success, cockiness, rejection, etc.), and the final inside circle of slips to avoid and monitor (also called boundary behaviors, these actions increase temptation or trigger relapse). For more details, see my handout on FOUR CIRCLES.
If you have disclosed to him in writing any particular betraying behaviors that would be for you a certain deal-breaker (cause you to put down a retainer with a divorce attorney), you need to give him the right to “plead the fifth” on this (“I wouldn’t tell you if I had, because I don’t want to divorce.”)
Emotional Amends
Physical and Sexual Amends
Amends for People, Places and Things
Amends of Recovery
Blessings promised to the honest person, the benefits of confession
John 8: 31-32 “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” from addiction
James 5:16 “You will be healed” from addiction, shame,self-centeredness
I John 1:8-9 “He will forgive our sins, and purify us from all unrighteousness”
Satan is closely linked with lying (Matthew 27:63 and John 8:44)
Do you dare put yourself in Satan’s hands this way?
He wants to destroy you and your marriage: see Proverbs 6:20 – 7:27
Natural and spiritual harm for the man who covers up
Lying to your Spouse shows her hate and disrespect, like saying to her,
“You can’t handle the truth” Proverbs 26: 28
You alienate yourself from God, your brothers and friends, and you wear
yourself out with the cover-up Jeremiah 9: 2-9
People can develop an appetite for lies, so that they feel that they need them to survive
Psalm 62:4 about “delighting in lies”
Jeremiah 9:5 we’ve taught our tongues to lie
Lies come back to haunt you, because people don’t trust you anymore, and will tell lies
on you to get back at you. You begin to believe your own lies. You fool
others, and then their reactions fool you into gradually believing that your
false front is the real you. (II Timothy 3:13 talks about “deceiving and being
deceived”)
You lose touch with your need for God:
“through deceit they refuse to know me, says the Lord” (Jeremiah 9:6)
If that’s not bad enough, God can return the favor (Jeremiah 9:9 and Romans 1: 25-28)
Any forgiveness God wants to give you through me cannot be received until you repent and confess. Likewise until you repent and confess, you can’t be relieved of your thinking that your behavior hasn’t hurt me, or that I can’t forgive you.
would you please assure me that you have heard and understood each one? Do you share them,
or have any others to add?
sexual behaviors would include full sexual infidelity, nongenital romantic touch, sending
pictures, webcamming, romantic texting/calling, emotional infidelity, prostitutes/call girls, strip clubs/bars, massage parlors, love affairs, one-time encounters, pornography, and masturbation (list what was used to arouse/stimulate yourself). Other addictive/disloyal behaviors past or potential would include any other addictions, including those to drugs/alcohol, other substances, activitities (sex, work, gambling, video games, etc.), and to people, including me or our friends or family members. Include any other covered up behavior (e.g., financial losses or infidelity).
frequency/duration (e.g., “averaged 45 minutes per episode, averaged four times a week”),
and its financial cost, including lost wages from neglected work.
communication, from your desire for me, and from the love you have made to me?
our children’s respect, etc.) and what bad things have you given me (damaged body image, bad
images of your misdeeds, shame, anger, fear, flashbacks of trauma, etc.)?
and use your own words for these traits and mindsets.
bodies, sex and love, shame and secrecy, and how your desires came to be twisted. Explain
the process of your healing from all that has twisted your desires.
back into these things? How long will that continue? Does that include any “unless/until”?
1- what the confessor knows that friends and family members are aware of
2- what the children and grandchildren have been exposed to
3- which other people were involved in these infidelities, and which were married
4- if any of these persons still have relationships or contacts of any kind with either spouse
5- if the disclosing partner may have exposed the spouse to any sexually transmitted diseases
6- anything that occurred in the home, or in the business, or in any home, church or business
that either spouse may ever be in again
7- the rough amounts of time and money spent/lost on the addiction/infidelities/affair partners
8- if and when any pregnancies resulted from the infidelities: how they turned out, how many
resulted in births or abortions or miscarriages, and how many living children were born
9- all the emotions the disclosing partner felt toward those involved, how much these feelings
were expressed, and what feelings the other person expressed toward both spouses
10- information either true and false that was given about the spouse or the marriage
11- how the confessor now regards each activity or relationship
12- how each unfaithful relationship was ended:
the mode (phone, letter, text, email, face-to-face, etc.),
what record/confirmation was or wasn’t kept for this agreement,
the reasons given for breaking up,
under what conditions if any the relationship might ever resume,
the types of contact that would or wouldn’t still be allowed, and
the consequences promised for any forbidden contacts initiated by anyone.
1- details of fantasies (general types of fantasies and general content should be disclosed)
2- physical qualities of others involved: their height, race, hair color, age (unless they were under 18), size of their attractive body parts, body type (“slender, fat, will-tone, athletic,” etc.), or any information about how attractive the person was to the confessor
3- where are the activities took place unless it was a location in 3.6 above
________ contact information for the other people involved and/or their spouses
________ contact information for any children born of infidelities
________ what promises were made to other people involved
________ how much feelings have lingered toward other people involved
________ (list any other information you specifically do or do not want in this disclosure)
Any disagreements about what would be helpful or harmful should be settled by a counselor.
Dr. Paul Schmidt, CSAT (502) 633 2860 mynewlife.com
One of the few times Freud was in agreement with his Victorian culture was when he taught the usefulness of sublimating the sex drive before marriage. (His biographies all suggest he had to work hard at practicing what he preached on this score.) The word sublimate comes from the same root words as sublime. It suggests lifting something up over the threshold so it can get out and be free. The urge to be creative in love (eros to the Greeks) can be set loose on a much higher and wider scale if not confined to sex.
In chemistry, sublimation means evaporating a solid or liquid for the purpose of releasing it from its impurities, after which it is allowed to settle back down into a newly purified and tangible state. This is a beautiful picture of how sexual urges can be temporarily channeled into other outlets until they can be expressed in a purer and less diluted "sublime" form within a substantial marriage covenant.
Even in the physical dimension, sexual energy can be released by various forms of exercise, including working, jogging, sports, and body-building. (Just remember Satan has a membership at the fitness center too, to infect you with lust of the eyes!) Sexual energy can also be channeled away from achieving orgasm through pursuing any number of loving, creative, productive, humanitarian, religious, self‑improving, intimate, exciting and affirming outlets. Use your imagination!
Just as a beam of light is revealed by a prism to contain many different colors, the sex drive is a complex impulse, and the urge for intercourse is only part of it. Most sexual energy derives from satisfying other needs that hitchhike on the sexual desire — our needs to release tension, to feel more attractive, to express love, to feel self‑esteem, to get a spiritual high, to feel powerful and free, to get energized and excited, to feel close and intimate, to share affection, to feel younger, to be charmed, to make someone else happy, and to shut out the world for a while, to name a few. If we find other ways to take care of these needs, the bark and bite of the sex drive will start wagging its tail like a little puppy. The sex drive has been compared to a dog that needs to be fenced in for protection, but which also needs to be tamed, fed, loved, and trained to prevent biting its master.
I have found a simple way to remember some of these ideas. Imagine yourself caught in a "love cage" and you want out. There is the trap door of sexual fantasy and behavior which takes you down into further craving and dependency. But there are six escape hatches in the ceiling of this trap. They can take you up and out into freedom, which can be remembered by the phrase "Love CAGES." Each door opens to set free a higher drive that has been caged up, and needs an outlet. You do best in each situation to take the ways that offer the most fulfilling and immediate enjoyment:
Just as the brain is "higher" than the genitals, as human endeavors are higher than animal instinct, as people on earth are inspired by a higher calling from God, and as activities that affect many people over a long time require one to rise above the here and now to understand, so loving and creative urges can be lifted up and out of their sexual boundaries to find a much higher and wider expression.
For the first time in my life last winter, I let pain whip me. I panicked in an ER that wasn’t diagnosing or treating me. I fought the pain and in my own eyes, made a big baby out of myself. All that energy I put into pushing against what I couldn’t control (the pain and the ER) went right into the pain. It kicked me in the butt, and turned me into one. Never again.
Actually that was acute pain, which is nothing compared to chronic pain (3 months or more despite treatment). Either one usually requires two or more of four approaches to pain management.
The first is neurology: doctors can often resolve the source of the pain through surgery or anti-inflammatory medication. If not they can usually eliminate or reduce the experience of pain through the second method, anesthesiology: pain medicine in this culture, or if you prefer, alternatives like herbal remedies or acupuncture.
The third remedy for pain is physical therapy, which may include exercises or dietary changes by you, or manipulations by a chiropractor or a physical therapist.
When these three haven’t resolved the pain, you still have psychological pain management. How does this work?
We all know that pain affects emotion, behavior, and beliefs about what’s happening and why. But do you know that this works both ways? These things that we control can all raise or lower your experience of pain. These are your three sets of tools.
Chronic pain can produce negative beliefs that can be overcome by embracing positive beliefs. Discuss, meditate and deliberate on these thoughts until you believe them:
This too shall pass. Thank the Lord I am forgive—this isn’t punishment. God will heal me sooner or later. Meanwhile, I can take this. Thinking of others takes me out of the pain in my body. Despite my disability, I am important to my loved ones. I will bring good out of this bad situation. I can be a blessing to those around me. I am thankful for. . . .
Or, take slow deep breaths, and instead of your pain, feel the freshness and calm in your lungs.
Or, tighten and then relax one set of your muscles at a time, and then repeat, eventually refreshing every muscle in your body this way, and distracting you from the pain.
Your emotions can respond to the pain, or to your new behavior and new thinking about the situation. The three biggest emotions to manage are fear, anger, and self-pity. Look at them as dashboard warning lights to signal your need to change your focus. How?
Go back to work on the Beliefs and Actions above, to hit the Mood, B-A-M! This flips the magnifying glass you’ve been using to focus your mind on your pain and your problems, so that now they seem smaller.
This breaks the negative cycle of PAIN à DISABILITY à DISTRESS à PAIN. You’ve created a cycle of your own: BELIEF à ACTION à MOOD CHANGE, BAM!
Join me in this resolving to train for pain: by practicing this so we can do it under the duress of pain when it comes, instead of giving it energy by fighting it, we will embrace it as our teacher. Then it will remind and motivate us to give ourselves an upgrade of the soul, an inner refreshment of what we can control, our beliefs, actions and moods. And as icing on the cake, this will refresh and our relationships.
Dr. Schmidt is a psychologist life coach with offices in Middletown, Lexington, and Shelbyville (mynewlife.com).
I have never really had a position or opinion on marijuana, and in recent weeks I have grown weary of this ignorance. To prepare my thoughts on this subject, I have done three things. First, I have obtained professional training as a certified addictions specialist from the International Institute for Addiction and Trauma Professionals. Secondly I have spent several hours looking through the research on the effects of marijuana use (news flash: it is profoundly inconclusive). Finally, I have discussed the positive and negative effects of marijuana with over 100 people who have used it, and with almost as many of their loved ones who had their own opinions about how pot had affected these people for better or for worse. I have also spoken with other mental health practitioners about what they have read, and what they have observed with the folks they have treated.
Depending on the situation and the person using it, any effect of marijuana may be considered positive or negative, beneficial or harmful. Therefore I will just list the effects without judgment, starting with generally the most widely acknowledged, and proceeding to the less:
The most widely recognized positive uses of marijuana are with medical patients who are fighting chronic, debilitating, perhaps even fatal stress-fed conditions, such as cancer, Parkinsons, PTSD, ADHD, etc. It also benefits neurotic, overly responsible people who need temporary assistance learning to loosen up in a recreational setting. However it has not had good outcomes with people suffering from confusion and inner turmoil, such as schizophrenics and folks with mood disorders, because they become more withdrawn into their troubled selves. Nor would it seem to be good for passive, disengaged individuals who are under-achieving in their financial and career lives, or for married people and parents who aren’t well connected or bonded with their significant others.
Compared to beverage alcohol, booze leads people initially to higher levels of social interaction and other purposeful activities. Pot on the other hand leads its users to become more passive spectators, more likely to withdraw from social activities, at least from those people who don’t use marijuana. In short, alcohol tends to make folks more active and passionate, whereas pot tends to make its users more passive and reflective. Alcohol initially expands the intensity of whatever it is poured out onto, whereas marijuana puts a calming fog down on whatever it finds. Pot therefore has a much better and far less damaging effect than alcohol does on people who are angry, or driving a vehicle.
Legalizing marijuana use is likely to have similar effects on society as legalizing gambling has had. There will be more of it done, and less fear and shame for doing it. It will be more popular with lower classes whose lifestyles evoke higher levels of anger, tension and stress. Therefore it will raise more money for government and big business at the disproportionate expense of the lower and middle classes.
So how can you determine if your use of pot is having a more positive or negative effect on your life, and on those around you? The answer is as simple as it is painful and challenging. List four or five things that you most want to accomplish or experience in life. (If you have trouble doing this, you might be getting TMW, “too much weed.”) Then ask one or two adults who depend on you the most to answer the same question about you (to list four or five things they most want you to accomplish or experience in life). Then exchange copies of your lists so that all of you are looking at the same expanded list of goals. Finally everyone is given list of marijuana’s effects bulletized above, asked to consider its effects on all the various hopes and goals for your life, and to give a number from -5 to +5 on how they believe smoking pot will affect your chances of fulfilling each particular dream. When you get everyone’s papers back, the numbers will pretty much answer your question.
Dr. Paul Schmidt is a psychologist life coach in Kentucky, the younger brother of vacationing columnist Dick Schmidt. He can be reached at [email protected].
Wise people have had lots of trouble with nicotine. Mark Twain said, “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I ought to know. I’ve done it a hundred times.”
Sigmund Freud died of a cancerous jaw caused by smoking cigars. He was clearly aware of how his smoking caused and aggravated his condition, but he was unable to control his habit. After most of his jaw had been removed at the end of his life, despite excruciating pain in each swallow, he propped open his jaw to allow him to keep on smoking 20 cigars a day right on up to his death.
Here are some of the most helpful tips for success at pitching the smokes. With slight adjustments, this will work well for those who dip or chew tobacco as well.
Arguably the most research-based, successful program for smoking cessation was started at the University of Kentucky, and is available inexpensively at both UK and UofL: Ask for the Cooper/Clayton program. Throughout your recovery, studies say it helps to take one day at a time, praying each morning for the strength to stay off of tobacco, and thanking God each evening for another day of freedom.
Dr. Paul Schmidt (mynewlife.com) is a psychologist life coach with offices in Shelbyville, Middletown, and Lexington.