Genuine Intimacy in Marriage and Faith

The simultaneous experience of vulnerability and safety is not found exclusively in marriage.  The apostle Paul felt that people could be closer to God and to those they loved if they were not burdened with a spouse and children at home (see his extremely personal confession in the entire seventh chapter of his first letter to the Corinthians).  There is obvious truth in this, and all of God’s children are offered special moments of intimacy.  If we expect to find these moments only or always in any special relationship, I believe we are risking idolatry.  Most of what is said below about genuine intimacy applies to celibate singles as well as married people.  It does not however apply to having sex outside of marriage, or even dreaming about it in “emotional affairs” (see Matthew 5: 27-30).

 

THE PSYCHO-SOCIAL NEED FOR GENUINE INTIMACY

 

Society is crying out for authentic romantic connection.  We need guidance, wisdom, and encouragement about this intense longing that so often goes unfulfilled.  All too often, it gets prostituted in the idolatrous dance with images of false intimacy thrown up to the lost by Hollywood, Madison Avenue, and cesspool sites on the internet.  It is time for something to be done.

Our society has no good models for intimacy, either theoretical models to explain what to do and why, or role models to show the same by word and deed.  And it’s not just intimacy that we’re in the dark about. We’re clueless about every phase of courtship—early selection, wooing, steady dating, engagement, and marriage.

Stripped of meaning and common sense, slick counterfeit versionsof intimacycome from our movies, TV, celebrities, magazines, and internet presentations. To their consumers, they do not portray good intentions that last, much less intimacy that grows through the years.  Society’s images are as false as they are fast and easy.  The romantic notions of self-proclaimed soul-mates, of permanent and genuine love-at-first-sight, and of opposite-sex friendships being wise, wonderful, and harmless are just a few of Hollywood’s favorite hoaxes. (See my “Resources for Opposite-sex Friendships”).

There are other examples. The first courtship phase of initial attraction in our culture is all about chemistry and nothing about character, all about intensity and nothing about integrity.  It’s the linesthey speak, the looks they give, and the look of the lines– the physical body lines and the fiscal bottom lines.  Later in courtship, it’s more of the same superficials, and less of the substantials – honesty, commitment, career integrity, personal growth and maturity, family and community involvement, etc.  Approaches to physical affection are typically all or nothing—sex short on love, or vice-versa.  One leaves you with nothing to look forward to, and the other with no adventure now.

Growth and balance are two key ingredients for intimacy. Growth (flexibility) insures we realize that what keeps us in balance today won’t do it for us tomorrow or next week.  Because situations and emotional needs keep changing, the balanceof forces required for intimacy keeps shifting.  However, some balances are key in that they need continual monitoring.  It is like riding a bicycle – you have to exert the effort to pedal and keep up the speed (progress and growth), but your speed can’t be so high or so low that you lose your balance.

For example, our relationships require a lot of time, effort, communication, wisdom, courage, and frankly, miraculous grace from God to maintain our balanced and growing awarenesses of:

THE IMPORTANCE OF ROMANTIC INTIMACY IN THE BIBLE

God wants intimate oneness with us.  That’s our New Testament standing, and the Bible repeatedly illustrates God’s accessibility and our mutual longing for each other by comparing this love to the marital relationship.  Likewise, the parent-child relationship shows God’s authority, and our personal dependence on Him (our Old Testament standing).  Most of the emphasis in Christian teaching is about the latter, since most believers are too immature to appreciate Christ’s radical invitation to intimacy.  The church has underemphasized this aspect of the Christian life, thus leaving believers hungering for intimacy with God.  Meanwhile, the more godless sectors of our society (Hollywood, Madison Avenue, the porn industry and the internet) are making fortunes selling schmaltzy and smutty false images of intimacy, and Christians are often among their best customers!  (See “THE PSYCHO-SOCIAL NEED FOR GENUINE INTIMACY.”)

The Bible teaches about God inviting us into dependencyby illustrating with the parent-child bond. We all know the parable of the prodigal son, and how Jesus taught us to address God as “Our Father” in the Lord’s prayer.  Jesus here was using an old teaching from the Torah (the fifth commandment), from the psalmist (Psalms 2:7), and from the psalmist’s son, the moral teacher Solomon (Proverbs 22: 6, 23: 13, 31: 28).  It was later picked up by the prophets (see Isaiah 1: 2-4 and Hosea 11: 1-4), and after Jesus, in the epistles (Rom. 8: 14-16, Heb. 12: 5-7, and especially Eph. 6: 1-4, and Col. 3: 20-21).  Healthy parenting is the most spelled-out requirement for being an elder (I Tim 3: 4-5).

Yet biblical teachings about finding God in intimacy are just as prominent, and usually even provided by the same authors.  Through Moses in the Old Testament, God told his people early on that his love for them burns with jealousy (Ex. 20:5, Dt. 5: 9).  He protected marriage with its own commandment, and part of the tenth. This longing for God was big for David (Ps. 42 and 63), and for Solomon (the entire Song of Solomon).  Later, using courtship and marriage to illustrate our relationship with God was a strong theme with the prophets (see Isaiah 62:5 and the whole book of Hosea).

In the New Testament,Our Lord called himself the Bridegroomto demonstrate how God and people longingly seek each other.  Jesus portrayed himself as coming to marry the church in two of his parables. Following Jesus, Paul emphasizes the value of healthy intimacy (Eph 5: 22-33; Col 3: 18-19), comparing husband and wife to Christ and the church, and elevating this issue to the importance of “a profound mystery” (Eph. 5: 32).  So they would be good role models as parents and seekers of God, elders are first of all required to be good at the husband-wife relationship (I Tim. 3:2).

Why is all this so important?  Sure, sociology teaches that good parents have to be good spouses first.  But religion teaches that good marriages not only demonstrate God’s love for us, but also demonstrate and call forth the faithful, affectionate devotion God wants from us in return.  Genuine intimacy in marriage is a very high calling, as it prepares us for oneness with God, both in this life and the next.

God made us to grow up.  He did not intend for His children to relate to Him forever in a totally dependent way, merely like children to a parent.  More than this, God asks us to seek Him increasingly in more intimate ways, like friend-to-friend (see John 15:14), more like lover-to-lover, and especially like wife-to-husband.

God calls our fearful dependency on Him to grow into more loving intimacy.  See how the two models are often given both by the same sources, sometimes side-by-side:

Biblical

Author

Biblical

Location

Old Testament Standing

Showing God’s Authority, and

Our Utter Dependence on Him

New Testament Standing

Showing God’s Accessibility, and

Our Mutual Longing for Intimacy

Moses Exodus 20 Commandments 1 thru 4; the 5th

To honor your mother and father

v. 5:  “I am a jealous God”;

7thCommandment (Adultery)

David Psalms 2:7 The Lord said to me, “You are my Son; I have become your Father”; trust in the 23rd Psalm 42:  “My soul longs for you. . . .deep calls  to deep.” 63: “My body longs for you;  your love is better than life”
Solomon Proverbs

Song of Songs

Pr. 22:6 & 23:13 teach about God’s parental discipline and how we are to follow that lead Entire Song of Solomon celebrates romantic intimacy, before and during marriage, and the believer’s with God
Isaiah Isaiah 1:2-4 The Lord has reared up children, but they have rebelled 62:5 -- as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will God rejoice over you
Hosea Hosea 11:1-4  When Israel was a child I loved him, led him with kindness and bent down to feed him God tells Hosea to experience his wife’s betrayal, redeem her, suffer more from her, to show His love for us
Jesus Formal

Teaching

Jesus taught us to pray to God as our Father (the Lord’s Prayer, Mt. 6: 7-13, and in Mt. 7: 7-11) Jesus called himself the bridegroom (Mt. 9:15, Mk 2:15; Lk 5:28); John the Baptist called him that too (Jo 3:29)
Jesus Parables God is the father in parable of the Prodigal Son (Lk 15:11-32) He’s bridegroom in 2 parables about wedding feasts (Mt. 22.1-14; 25:1-13)
Paul To all believers Eph. 6:1-4, Col. 3:20-21; Rom. 8:14-16, and Heb. 12:5-7: obey parents, learning to obey God Eph. 5:22-33 teaches marital intimacy to illustrate the profound mystery of Christ and the church; Col 3:18-19
Paul To leaders Longest qualification for elder is parenting well (1Tim 3:4-5) 1st necessity for deacon, 2ndfor elder is being married well (1Tim 3:2,12)

 

         The church has grossly neglected this teaching about genuine intimacy,at least in recent generations.  One cause and effect of this neglect is our discomfort for addressing and referring to God with personal male pronouns, as we are asked and taught to do in the Bible.  It is starkly obvious (but who has mentioned it?) that this neglect has suppressedour built-in need for intimacy with God, making our relationship with Him much less personal and immediate.  Meanwhile, our modern media has expressed evermore perverted, counterfeit substitute examples and role models for intimacy (see “THE PSYCHO-SOCIAL NEED FOR GENUINE INTIMACY” above.)

God continues to call us closer to Himself,not only through the Bible, but as it teaches, also through our intimate human relationships, especially love in marriage. Here in romantic love, God prepares us to enjoy intimacy with Him, and as an inspirational and instructional example, to portray it here for the rest of the world to see.  In the family of God, as well as in human families, good parent-child relationships depend on good husband-wife relationships, and vice-versa. Christianity teaches that like healthy parent-child relationships, healthy marriages not only demonstrate God’s love for us, but also demonstrate and call forth the faithful, affectionate devotion God wants from us in return.  Genuine intimacy is a very high calling indeed.

When I told my parents I wanted to get married, they told me two things – it’s a lot of work, but the rewards are well worth it.  I told our children two other truths about marriage:  it is an elegant arrangement for personal growth, and it takes a bunch of miracles.  Therefore it can’t reach its full potential unless both partners and their marriage dedicate themselves to God and to a family of faith, a community of believers.  In short, marriage is a high calling which requires frequent blessings from God, and genuine intimacy in marriage is an even higher call.

God is calling out the good news that He is the silent, heart-felt presence inspiring every genuinely intimate moment where His grace and truth take off dancing together.

Truth Dancing with Grace

          The first three verses tell about the genuine intimacy we may find anywhere—with a sister or brother, with a parent or grandparent, with a teacher or student, with a counselor or pastor, with a protégé or child, with a mentor or counselor, with a buddy or best friend.  

         The last two verses are about the two special things that come with finding genuine intimacy with a life partner in sacramental marriage — authentically romantic sex, and a ministry together that bears fruit for the world.

I am known by you,

And I’m accepted.

I am loved by you,

And I’m respected.

 

I treat you the same way,

Just like a peer.

Whatsoever we feel,

We can say here.

 

We’re growing up together,

The real you, the real me,

God’s making us holy—

At last we are free.

 

REFRAIN

 

Let’s take a chance,

That Truth and Grace dance,

So our love can enhance

Flesh and Spirit romance.

 

And if we become lovers,

And get married to boot,

We’ll find love that will last,

And good sex as a fruit.

 

Then we give to our community,

As both brothers and mothers.

We bear fruit in our ministry,

Giving our full selves to others.

 

© Dr. Paul Schmidt,  mynewlife.com, 502 633 2860

 

 

Applying Romans 14 to Marital Lovemaking

 

Spiritually, most Christians consider romantic touch a matter of individual conscience.  The Bible doesn’t give one set of behavioral guidelines here for everybody, so the principles of Romans 14 should certainly apply.  Let’s each read this chapter devotionally, letting it and God read us as we do.  To see how it applies to our romantic touching, we would need to try replacing the words brothereatvegetables, and food or meat  with the words partner, enjoykissing and touching.   If your conscience agrees for you to excuse or translate the all-male pronoun selections, you could read it this way, and the NIV would then teach the following, with italicized words changed as suggested:

[verses 1-3]  Accept anyone whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters.  One mate's faith allows him or her to enjoy all touching, but another mate, whose faith is weak, enjoys only kissing.  The one who enjoys all touching must not look down on one who does not, and the one who does not enjoy all touching must not condemn the one who does, for God has accepted them both. . . .

[verses 13-15]  Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another.  Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your partner's way.  As one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinced that no act of touching is unclean in itself.  But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean.  If your partner is distressed because of what you enjoy, you are no longer acting in love.  Do not by your touching destroy your partner for whom Christ died.  Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken of as evil. . . .

[verses 19-23]   Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. It is better not to enjoy touching or drink wine or do anything else that will cause your partner to stumble.  So whatever you believe about these things, keep it between yourself and God.  Blessed are those who do not condemn themselves by what they approve.  But those who have doubts are condemned if they enjoy touching, because their touching is not from faith.  And everything that does not come from faith is sin.

Insights from Romans 14   

The more liberal partner is considered having stronger faith.

Yet that partner is called to sacrifice for the sake of the other’s spiritual growth and well-being.

Any activity that has not been put under the direction of God is troubled by sin.

In short, when either is in doubt or conflict about an act of touching, hold off.  This gives the Holy Spirit

time to grow patience and compassion in one of us, and stronger faith in the other.

 

Four Circles

 

         A new approach to establsihing and maintaining sobriety has emerged from the most effective treatment centers in recent years.  It is a direct application of the 12 steps of AA, and it is a great way to measure your risk at any given time, and to report to someone else how you are doing.  It works if you work it.  Four concentric circles represent three important lists of behaviors, and one list of warning signs.  These lists will be fluid, and you will need to add and subtract new items on a regular basis, at least from the boundaries list and the recovery behaviors below.  These 4 cirlcles are often an excellent way to give account of yourself on a regular basis, in your marriage, with your sponsor, me, and with same-sex accountability partners.  They will also give you a quick read on how you are doing at any given time, what AA calls a "spot-check inventory":  are you code green, yellow, orange, or red?  Use these lists to structure and summarize your reports to people of how you have been doing, in the order below: red, then green, then yellow, and finally orange.  Each behavior needs to be very specific, to minimize confusion about whether you have done something, and whether it is useful as listed.

Sobriety definition (the red inner circle).  Here you describe any relapse into behavior you believe you are called to completely avoid.  Examples of behaviors that are often on this list for addicts are any indulgence in your addictive substance or behavior, and any lies or cover-ups to your spouse or significant other about anything.  Spouses usually need to be told all details within 24 hours of any relapse, including your inventory of which character defects were involved, who you hurt, and amends you propose.

Recovery behaviors (the green outer circle): if you are married, include positive approaches to your mate that you need to make regularly until they have become habits.  Include all of your regular recovery behaviors, and state how often (daily, weekly, etc.) you are led to do each one: meetings, devotionals, phone calls, workbook pages, reading certain books, going to church, attending counseling, daily prayers, accountability check-ins with spouse, buddy and/or sponsor, whatever.  (Some examples can be found below.)  Include other behaviors that are to be done often and whenever appropriate, but not on a daily or weekly schedule (such as making amends and maintaining progress in step work and tasks for recovery).  Also include behaviors your spouse wants and needs to see for closeness to occur (e.g., sharing your feelings, calling/texting during the day, coming home on time, spending time with the kids, praying together, sitting together on the couch, speaking the spouse’s love language, whatever).

Troublesome attitudes (the yellow inner circle):  Between the outer circle and the middle circle, many people are finding it helpful to use this circle as a warning.  If you don’t talk these attitudes out, you are more likely to act them out.  Here you can list the mindsets and situations that tend to trigger your slips and relapses.  Common ones are: resentment, shame, insecurity, boredom, loneliness, horniness, exhaustion, self-pity, discouragement, failure, success, rejection, entitlement, egomania, etc.  Watch for emotions that spike intensely as over-reactions to a situation, and for those that linger after the trigger incident, looking for other situations that justify their existence.  If you call these attitudes instead of triggers, you take more responsibility for them, and for your choices when you experience them.  (Your addiction wants you call them triggers so you can say something just set you off.)  These attitudes will often need to be on your list of character defects when you do/did step 5.             

Boundaries list (the orange circle, next to the red, things that would be a slip but not a relapse):  This should include all behaviors that might come before a relapse, and that might incite some temptation to relapse, such as:  lying or covering up, foot slips (allowing yourself to go somewhere unnecessary that is tempting), fantasy slips (allowing your mind to imagine future misbehaviors), euphoric recall (dwelling too long on the pleasures of past addictive escapades), argument slips (avoiding or prolonging a conflict which gives you resentment), or social slips (hanging out too long or too often with people tempt you to act out).  Spouses usually need to be told about slips more vaguely (like just tell the frequency of each type of slip), with fewer details, and not as quickly (within a week is OK).  Even so, your inventory and your proposed amends do need to be included when your spouse is told.

 

Possible Recovery Behaviors

A 30-second prayer for a day of sobriety in early AM, and another for thanksgiving at bedtime

A 2-minute meditation on how God might want you to help with your prayers being answered

Initiate successfully live phone call with sponsor, to include 4-circle report, including also:

10+ minutes for you  (2+ for slips, temptations, and pressures, 8+ for your recovery)

Initiate phone calls with recovering buddies until you get one live on the phone:

5+ minutes for each of you  (1+ for slips, temptations, and pressures, 4+ for your recovery)

20 min. of phone time buddies initiate  (or 10 from you leaving two VM’s with 4-circle reports)

15 min. of Bible study, leaving time to meditate on personal application for your life/recovery

15 min. of recovery reading, highlighting, meditating on personal application for your recovery

Attend a 12-step or recovery meeting

Chart the day’s activities, and on a log, record brief but specific answers to what you did, what

helped the most today, and why?  What helped the least, and why?

Read and complete the writing assignments for one chapter per week of a recovery workbook

Read and highlight/underline one chapter per week of a recovery-oriented book

Dr. Paul Schmidt   (502) 633 2860   mynewlife.com

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