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Bullet Points of Sex Addiction and Recovery

DSB’s:  Dysfunctional Sexual Behaviors may include:  masturbation, pornography, flirting, eyeballing, massage, cheating, chatting, phone sex, role exploitation, buying, selling and trading sex, pain exchange, 800 #s, anonymous (bathroom/park) sex, fetishes, voyeurism, exposing yourself, webcam exposures, and varieties of shutting down:  impotence, anorexia, avoidance of marital love & sex.

Ten Addictive Signs:  impulse control, broken plans, can’t quit, preoccupation (obsession), loss of needed time/money, irresponsibility, social fallout, social dropout, behavioral escalation (tolerance), withdrawal symptoms (mood changes).  3 of these 10 and it’s an official addiction.

Cyberporn seems Accessible (but so are you to it!), Affordable (it is at first, but not for long!), and Anonymous (sure at first, but hey, not for long!).  It is also Always changing (it hypnotizes your attention), Aggressively seeking your loyalty (it wants your business, to sell your information to others), Adaptable (it remembers your past behavior, your arousal pattern, and throws up things personally designed to ramp up your involvement), and Always Accepting (it seems to never reject you, but it rejects the rest of who you are, your faith, family, finances, freedom, health, etc.).  This 7-headed monster will eat you alive if you let it.

Use the right terminology:  lover = hater, affair = trap, porn = poison, (masturbation) = idolatry, fantasy = adultery, “I didn’t mean/enjoy it” = minimizing, “I can control it” = denial, “”I wanted to because” = blame-shifting.

Addictions are fueled by (and produce!) trauma/fear, shame, aversions, , and enablers, so learn to break those cycles.  These are both triggers and bullets.

Bondage will in slow, creepy, one-at-a-time-so-you-don’t-really-notice speed also consume your:  mind, freedom, dignity (heart), wife, kids, career, faith, health, and then your life.

Bondage will take from your wife:  her trust in you, respect for you, feeling safe with you, desire for you, mental focus during sex, resistance to reading your mind and taking your inventory, ability to relax, body image, confidence in her future, and all the fruits of the spirit:  faith, hope, love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, kindness, goodness, self-control.

Recovery/Repentance involves:  people and principles, prayer and Bible study, meetings, readings, sponsors, accountability partners, phone calls, working the steps: admitting powerlessness and unmanageability, surrendering to God, taking inventory, giving character defects to God, making amends, admitting when we’re wrong, prayer, service work, decompartmentalizing.

Recovery/Repentance brings:  restoring the free-flowing of all things consumed above, and what we are all made to crave above all else in this life:  intimacy with God, spouse, self, children and buddies in recovery.  You doubt me?  What good is anything else without these, without loved ones to share it with?  How deep could your joy be, and how long could it last if you don’t give it away?

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About Dr. Paul Schmidt, PhD

Dr. Paul Schmidt, PhD is a psychologist life coach with offices in Louisville and Shelbyville, KY, 502 633 2860.