DSB’s: Dysfunctional Sexual Behaviors may include: masturbation, pornography, flirting, eyeballing, massage, cheating, chatting, phone sex, role exploitation, buying, selling and trading sex, pain exchange, 800 #s, anonymous (bathroom/park) sex, fetishes, voyeurism, exposing yourself, webcam exposures, and varieties of shutting down: impotence, anorexia, avoidance of marital love & sex. Ten Addictive Signs: impulse control, broken plans, can’t quit, preoccupation (obsession), loss of needed time/money, irresponsibility, social fallout, social dropout, behavioral escalation (tolerance), withdrawal symptoms (mood changes). 3 …Read More
My Approach to Sex Addiction and Infidelity
From my training, I have designed three levels of outpatient treatment programs for my clients to choose from, each customized with its own requirements for reading, writing, prayer and meditation, homework exercises, family/spouse involvement, accountability, meetings, and counseling. These programs have increasing levels of commitment/investment of time and money, and carry different prognoses for success. (The last one gives the equivalent of an intensive outpatient treatment program that would otherwise cost much more, and would meet five evenings a week for 3-4 hours per night over three to four months.)
I teach the techniques research has proven to be most effective at preventing both relapse and the onset of new addictive behaviors. An online therapy group for male sex addicts is offered on Wednesday nights at 9 for my individual clients, for 75 minutes, $140 per month. It is also an accountability group, encouraging the guys to keep in contact with each other between meetings.
Each program progresses through four stages, the order proven by research to have the greatest success:
1. Stabilizing crisis with first disclosure and setting boundaries for communication
2. Joining a recovering community and establishing sobriety
3. Creating a healthy, balanced heart and lifestyle
4. Restoring broken family relationships
I teach my clients why and how to perform the thirty tasks that research has shown to produce recovery that sober, serene, and lasting. These tasks are consistent with and yet go well beyond the traditional twelve steps of recovery. It is harder to do them out of sequence, and they MUST be done under the guidance of a sponsor who has completed them, or a trained recovering counselor. (Basically they must be done with someone who has done them with someone who has done them . . .) With me, spouses can be authorized to have input to this treatment process, and to have output from it as well.
The Lexington Herald-Leader published one of my articles on sexual addiction, explaining among other things how it is fueled by shame. You may read the article here: https://buff.ly/2UzSuMt
Forward Movement Publications in Cincinnati published a pamphlet I was asked to write explaining sexual addiction to the average Christian reader. You may read it here.
In 2005, I completed two weeks of training in Arizona conducted in person by Dr. Patrick Carnes through the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) . The 45 in my class were fortunate to be the last group of trainees to be instructed from start to finish solely by Dr. Carnes in person. The author of some dozen books in this field, he is universally acknowledged as the founder of the sexual addiction movement, and as its chief expert therapist, researcher, and trainer. I completed my 30 required hours of post-training supervision, from Judith Matheny, LCSW, LMFT, CSAT, also trained by Dr. Carnes. In 2006, I became only the third CSAT in KY, and the first male. In 2016, I was trained again at IITAP, and became a CMAT (Certified Multiple Addictions Therapist) and a CSAT-S (a certified supervisor of other CSAT’s).
(Each paragraph can be a private devotional, or a class for group discussion.) The Bible gives in rich detail how life unfolds for people who fall into sexual sin. It was pure visual seduction for David when he laid eyes on his neighbor’s wife Bathsheba (2Sam 11). His heart followed his eyes in violating the 10th commandment, and in short order that act stimulated violations of the 9th (lying), 8th …Read More
There’s nothing soft about the damage “soft pornography” does to those not aware of its dangers. And few people are. If you use pornography or know somebody who does, here are fifteen common lies whispered to us by the purveyors of sex trash in magazines, movies, and websites. I can control myself. I will be able to keep my porn use from growing. Reality: What satisfies now won’t satisfy later. Porn demands increasingly degrading stimulation. …Read More
31 Insights and Solutions for Wives of Sex Addicts Since all of the sex addicts I work with are heterosexual males, and virtually all are married, I will be addressing these remarks to their “wives”. The same dynamic would usually apply to other forms of romantic partnership. Many though not all of the items below will also apply if the spouse is chronically unfaithful, but has not declared himself …Read More
Four-Circle Sobriety Plan Four concentric circles represent three important lists of behaviors, and one list of warning signs. These lists will be fluid, and you will need to add and subtract new items on a regular basis, at least from the boundaries list and the recovery behaviors below. Use these lists to structure and summarize your reports to people of how you have been doing, in the order …Read More
Why Some are Choosing Traditional Values in our Pornified Culture Sexual energy, beautiful bodies, romantic love, and close relationships — as much as they are idolized in our culture, there is nothing inherently good or bad about them. They are all morally neutral resources, because they can be used for good or bad purposes. Whether or not we have them isn’t nearly as important as how we give or take them. Except …Read More
The “word of God” can also be found in Christian writings for the perpetrators and victims of sexual sin. Though not specifically Christian, Pat Carnes bases his hope on the Biblically inspired 12-step program. Doug Weiss, Mark Laaser and Harry Schaumburg are Biblically oriented Christian psychologists who are themselves recovering from sex addiction. They show how sexual infidelity and pornography are twisted perversions of our spiritual hunger for God. Help Online: www.sexhelp.com – Great source of information, research, and on-line tests to learn about yourself …Read More
Can People Recover from Trauma and Abuse? It is with both pride and embarrassment that America has become known as a victims’ society. We can be proud that we prosecute perpetrators of rape, domestic violence, and child abuse at least as severely as most developed nations. But we should be ashamed that these punishments have not deterred perpetrators as effectively as they have been …Read More
How to Talk with your Spouse about Counseling How Much do I want to Help My Wife and our Relationship to Get Healthy too? _____ Do I want my wife to receive the guidance and support that she needs to become my partner in recovery? ______ If I am interacting with my wife in ways that are not healthy for either of us, do I want to learn to stop …Read More
The hallmarks of addiction are: failed efforts to control or stop the addiction, withdrawal pains, obsessive thoughts about the habit, increasing consumption, continued addictive behavior despite huge costs/problems from doing so, and self-deception about the causes and effects of the addictive behavior. A very common cause and effect of addictions are their polar opposites: compulsive habits of avoidance (aversions, or “anorexias”). The causes and effects of these aversive disorders are remarkably similar to those for …Read More